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Old 08-05-2011, 04:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by 123 View Post
He's said such hurtful things in the last few weeks that completely caught me off guard. We planned to get married next year and suddenly he can't see me as a wife anymore if I'm with anyone else. He thinks me doing certain things with other guys is dirty and it makes him uncomfortable to touch me. Me being with other guys makes him see me as no different from the casual, no strings attached girls he's been with. It's like everything else in our relationship - the emotional attachment, the way we interact and add value to each others' lives in so many other ways - suddenly means nothing if I sleep with other people.

I don't know. It's just really difficult. Frustrating. We've both identified as polyamorous and he's been with multiple partners for a couple years now. Even though I haven't been with as many other partners, I've never had any reason to believe he was SO set in this kind of mentality at all. He's reacting right now as though I just dropped this idea of polyamory on him out of nowhere and he doesn't understand anything about it. BUT, he doesn't have any of those thoughts about himself. He still feels the same way and doesn't feel like his actions affect our relationship at all.
Oh dear. It's a big fucking red flag when a man categorizes women, some as dirty and some as relationship material, and then due to disappointment or whatever puts someone he loves in the dirty category. I bet the NSA play partners he has had go away feeling dirty after being with him.

Be thankful you are seeing his true colors now and not after getting married when it would be much more difficult to extricate yourself from a bad situation. It seems he perhaps has some unresolved issues about sex that have been prompted to surface for some reason, and a resentment toward a woman being sexually expressive on her own terms. Was he raised Roman Catholic, by any chance? Another possibility, given that this is such a surprise to you, is that he may have some kind of brain disorder or mental illness. Either way, if you still want to marry him, I think therapy might be a good idea.

If I were you, however, I would start to give this relationship some space, whether by taking a break or limiting your time with him, and see others. Ask him to seek help and give yourself a time period (4-6 mos. maybe?) to revisit the possibility of continuing the relationship and to determine whether or not it has improved enough for you to resume full steam like you were before.
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