Starting to calm down
Clarity in communication is key. I am not used to being so 'all over the map'. I have just had to tell him that my needs might vary with the breeze and that I can no longer predict what they will be. How unfair to him! It is what it is right now.
I am bogged down with insecurity and new ways of feeling. I am bogged down with trying to understand what MS will mean and where I will end up on the spectrum of the disease.
I have told him that I am ok with him chatting but that I am not prepared for any more dating and that we can revisit it next week. Things are changing pretty fast these days that I can't predict how I will feel even tomorrow. I feel immense guilt for all of this. I am supposed to be the one taking care of my family and my partner. I am the one who deals with poly things with the cooler head.
I am sorry for the unclear posts. I do encourage him to date. This MS couldn't have come at a worse time! He was having luck with dating and I suddenly couldn't handle it. It was not the only thing that I couldn't handle. I am having trouble with the idea of being a burden to anyone. I am having trouble not being his rock or my children's rock. I am having trouble with my idea that it would be much easier for him to find someone 'better' now.
He is certainly not inconsiderate generally. I think that is why I was having a hard time understanding his motivations. He always feels immense guilt any time he leaves our 'home' to pusue his own interests. He was having these same feelings when he was leaving to date after I got home from the hospital and just chalked it up to more of his same problems. In his defense as well, I was not communicating at all. Part of me thought that it would be better if he replaced me with someone new: I didn't mention this to him. We were both in shock.