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Old 08-04-2011, 10:29 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85
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Two things I notice.
Ten years ago you felt unable to share your negative feelings with Khas until the evening actually happened.
Now, once again the same thing: because your pain at this situation causes him pain, you hold back (or at any rate you feel like holding back).
What he needs from you is that you do not hold back from telling it like it really is for you, both the good and the bad. At other times, you need to hear him without mixing in your feelings. At present the feelings of all three of you are tangling up in your head.
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I would like to suggest you take it in turns to talk. When it is your turn, focus on your feelings, not his. Maybe set a timer so you each get equal time listening and talking.
When it is his turn to talk, try to put your feelings aside while you listen, focus on his feelings while he is talking.
What is happening at present is when you talk, you are second guessing how he feels about it, or maybe he is interrupting and telling you how he feels about hearing what you say. That means that
what comes out is a mix of you and him. What is needed before you can get anywhere with this as a couple is for your discussions to have slices of pure you and slices of pure him.
So, take turns, both of you focus on person whose turn it is, no interrupting or responding during the other perons turn.
In your turn:
What is it about his new dating that excites you? Can you articulate that to him? Practice here on us if it helps get it clear for you, but it doesn't matter whether you tell us or not: it matters that you tell him.
What is it about his new dating that upsets you? Frightens you? Again feel free to use as to help you sort out what the issue is, but what matters is not us its telling him.
ln his turn:
Listen to what he is saying: you are good at hearing his feelings and this is the appropriate time to do so. During this slice of time use your well practiced skill in focussing on his feelings.
After you both had a turn, each of you say one thing you really like about the other, and take a break.
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Next time, swap round so whoever went first before goes second this time.
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Do the same with your friend. She needs to hear the real you speak clearly without second guessing her feelings: that will only happen if she gets a separate slot in which to speak to you. Try to say some of the positives and some of the negatives to her as well.
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Let go of the idea that you should be poly, or that you should be allowing him to be. At the same time, let go of the idea that he should be mono. The feelings you each actually have are perfectly fine feelings, whatever they are. The 'should feel' feelings just screw everything into a mess. No pre-conceptions either way, no oughts shoulds or musts. they all get in the way of what is.
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I trust the three of you. It is obvious in your post that you have two fine people there who both care for you. It is equally obvious that you care for both of them. When each of you is really hearing how it is for every one of you, including each of you hearing how it is for yourself, I trust that the right way will open to you all. It could be poly, mono, split, or something we cannot even guess at.
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Honesty hurts. It may get worse before it gets better, but work through it to wherever it goes and the way will open, and then it will get better. But to get past this thing you do have to untangle his feelings from yours. You may all need help to do that: basically all a relationships counsellor will do is to run the process I described above. Having a professional take care of the process can help, a good one won't give you answers but will walk with you all as you do the work yourselves.
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good luck. The far side of the Atlantic you've got someone rooting for you...

Last edited by trueRiver; 08-04-2011 at 10:34 PM. Reason: add dividers to text
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