Thread: New to poly
View Single Post
Old 05-12-2009, 02:06 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 2,904

Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Wife has some issues...she's trying to figure out why I'm so happy now and she's feeling a little badly that after 27 years she was not able to be everything and more to keep me totally happy and fulfilled all by herself.
I think there is a powerful false myth afoot in our culture which says that one person ought to be able, in every case, to provide for all of our loving intimacy needs for a whole lifetime. There are numerous other associated false myths which make polyamory challenging for all of us. One of these is that really deep and satisfying loving intimacy must include sexual expression. My way of thinking is "Why not?" -- which is to say, "Why should it not?", if that's what all involved are open to, okay with. And all involved are willing to "dance" with the challenges involved. "Dancing" with these challenges provides all of us polyamorists with plenty of opportunity to explore what love and intimacy are about--for us. What's wrong with that? Nothing! Love is made possible because of empathy; without empathy, there can be no loving. So it is important for all of us who are choosing an approach to loving which is different from the conventional mode to accept our responsibility to keep openning up in empathy with all with whom we are involved in loving relationship. That means, as I see it, that your wife could benefit all involved, including herself, by exploring empathetically why it is that you're happier now than previously--if such is the case. Ideally, she'd be able to see through any jealousies or fears generated in this arrangement. But it is also incumbent upon you, in your gift of love to her, that you empathize with her challenge in seeing you so happy. She may react with a feeling-thought of "aren't/weren't I good enough?". Let her know that she is and has been more than good enough, and that the additional love only allows you to know more of your capacity for loving, etc. Etc., meaning also your capacity to meet challenges and explore your own depths, etc.

Avoid framing it all in a "lack story" or "lack drama". What's wrong with being even more fulfilled, more blessed, more joyous, and having more love from more people? Nothing! Have a bun dance. What's wrong with that? Nothing! More love is always a good thing.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
My (our) best friend is still trying to figure out how she fits in, feels alone sleeping by herself most nights, even if I make love to her and sleep with her part of the night before going back downstairs to the master bedroom and wife so that I can get up on time and off to work in the AM.......she says she can live with 1/2 of me as that's better than all of any man she's ever had, but she still struggles......we are trying to communicate our needs and wants but obviously there are some gaps, struggles, etc......

My first thought is to change the "to" to "with" in the making love. I'm a little petty about word choices, sometimes, but I'm not sure the difference is petty in this case. Never make love "to" anyone! Always make love "with" instead. Nobody with self-love wants to be made love "to". Everyone with self-love who enjoys love-making finds making love "with" much better than "to". But enough nit picking.

My advice is to empathize, again. Open even more to both of these women in empathy and in kindness, warmth. You've accepted the challenge, and that's what the challenge amounts to. They both want your love, and your challenge is to give it fully to both -- which means both need your empathy.

Because you all are good friends, I have complete faith in all of you to meet your challenges. Stay open; love more. Give all you gots!
Reply With Quote