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Old 08-04-2011, 12:39 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Cool, you have a blog !
Yeah, I feel that it will be fun, and helpful, to write in a place where people "get" this stuff.


I'll tell a bit about myself. I'm 23 years old and study social sciences in University. I'm not a native English speaker, so please feel free to ask me to clarify if I'm not making sense. I tend to think about and analyse stuff a lot, including poly things (lately, them especially). I've been thinking that I don't really agree with the claim that poly is a lot of work. I think it can be, but for me it hasn't been since I enjoy (over-)analysing and talking about things with my partners; thus, I don't consider it work.

I think there are some patterns of behaviour in relationships I've recently begun to notice and which I'd like to change. I think realising these has been a process that strarted before I "started" poly. However, I think this new situation will help me actually make the changes, because it requires it more urgently.

Right now I'm talking about the fact that I'm a people pleaser, or have been. I don't really care what strangers think about me, but I guess I'm afraid of not being (totally) accepted by the people I love. I learned to please as a kid, and having undestood that I'm now started to unlearn it. For many years with Alec I pretty much ignored what I wanted and needed: hell, I had no idea what it was that I wanted. He never asked or expected me to do this, it was just the programming I had. I've recognised this pattern in recent years, and am trying to change that. That means analysing what it is that I want and need, not ignoring it, and making healthy boundaries. It still causes me varying amounts of anxiety, though, not being able to do/be what somebody I love expects/wants of me, even though I won't compromise myself anymore.

Enter poly. I think poly situation will help me with this work a lot. Before, there weren't in practice many situations where I needed to apply what I had thought about this. I'm usually pretty flexible, and so is Alec, so there weren't many conflicting issues. Sometimes, though, it would happen that the wants of a friend of mine and Alec's wants would clash. These instances were rare, and they would cause me intense anxiety, but in hindsight they were helpful because I was in a situation where I couldn't please both of the people I loved. I had to face the disappointment, and guess what: the world didn't end and it usually wasn't nearly as big a deal to anybody else but me. Nobody got mad at me or abandoned me and I was accepted even though I made a decision which wasn't everybody's first choice. So, these kind of situations, I think, are very good for me (even though I still suffer the anxiety and hate it). And, not surprisingly, there are way more of them when you are poly and have two partners. There just are times when I just basically can't please both, and they are way more frequent than they are with a partner and a friend. I think it will get easier, both with practice and with the repeated experience of nothing horrible following from me doing not as a loved one would wish.
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