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Old 08-04-2011, 10:47 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The problem with that is, often you don't know how much drama or toxicity a relationship will have until you're smack-dab in the thick of it. You can ask a partner to avoid drama and unhealthy relationships, but that can't prevent them from happening.
Yep, and once in knee-deep, with feelings involved, you can try to communicate with your partner the things that make you feel upset, what worries you, what you feel needs to change etc., but chances are that by then, they are so blinded by NRE that they don't really see it the way you do or don't want to make the changes necessary. In the end, the only relationships you can control are the ones you are actually involved in, and even there, it's more often than not the control over whether or not you choose to be involved in the relationship.

Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
And the wierd part is it's not that *I* feel I'm not worth it... I just don't feel like anybody else will see that I am and actually put forth actual effort for me.
I had the exact same problem with therapy. I thought I was a good, decent person, but didn't believe anyone else would see it that way .

Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
The work I need to do now is still my own... but I need to figure out what I NEED from my relationship, and look at what's actually possible to get from my relationship with hubs. I have to be honest about who I am and who he is and what we are capable of being to each other. THAT is the work that I needed to be doing. Instead of focusing on what we "could be", or how things "could look" and trying to "work towards that", I need to just focus on who we are now and what we are to each other now.
I think this is so important and an invaluable insight. Instead of trying to force our relationships to a particular mould; "primary/secondary/tertiary", "partners/lovers/FWBs", "husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend", "triad/vee/tangle", we should just learn to accept that each relationship is different and unique. I struggle with this occasionally.

Like Vanilla said to me, I would likewise be really sad if ever it came a time when another person might mean more to her than I, but if it came to be, then it would be a new situation we would accept and try to work out new boundaries and a new paradigm for our relationship instead of panicking and severing contact either way.

Often we put down on this forum a lot of things to NRE, which is responsible for a huge deal, of course. But what if sometimes, a new relationship indeed becomes a more meaningful one (not implying that this is your case, Minxxa!)? Or equally important than any previous connections?

Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
-- and I'm not afraid of losing the relationship anymore. It would make me sad, I don't want to, but I'm not living in fear of it.
It's a huge difference between not wanting for something to end and not being able to cope if it does.

Power hugs!
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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