Originally Posted by maca
1) Have you told him how YOU feel?
2) Why do you feel its ok for him to be with another but not ok for you?
3)Are you ok with the fact that he is still with her after knowing he told you it was over?
Is this relationship honest?
Is it open?
Is it compassionate?
Is it loving?
IS IT HEALTHY FOR YOU??
1) I've told him how I feel, repeatedly and often. (Probably too often... I have a tendency to beat a dead horse, unfortunately, but I've been working on that.) I tend to be big on talking, and I see those conversations as good, but they tend to take a lot out of him. One of the biggest issues is that he sees my asking for things as upsetting if he doesn't want to give them, because he is unwilling to say "no" directly, so he'll just get more and more agitated and talk about how he really wants things to stay the way they are, and try to argue me down. I've talked to him about this, and he's trying to work on it.
2) The important thing to me, in any relationship, is that my needs are being met. Even if the "rules" are uneven, my major needs have been met in the relationship, basically. The biggest issue of late has been one of honesty and trust... I feel like Mark has been holding things back from me so that he wouldn't have to lie to me, and that's something that hasn't happened before, and is a huge source of worry. But up until recently, the relationship has been good.
3) I don't know. I did
say originally that it was okay for them to be together, and as Mark points out, Cathy's feelings are now involved, so we have to be sensitive to that. He says he doesn't see talking about sex online, and seeing each other one-on-one, as a problem, since they're not actually sleeping together. I expressed concern that they would just fall back into bed, but he says that absolutely won't happen. I think that he sees what they're doing as not technically dating, but just being close friends. He says they don't have full-on cybersex, so I shouldn't be concerned... I'm mostly worried that the close proximity combined with having to "stop" is just going to make them want each other more. He says they'll be talking about fantasies or whatnot, and she'll be like, "Oh, we'd better stop, or we'll both get turned on..." And I think that in itself is a bit over the line, but he doesn't see it as a problem.
He and I love each other, and care about each other's feelings... as for the honesty issue, that's a new problem and something I didn't expect. Simply not mentioning things if I don't ask directly isn't exactly lying... it's just not being open. The worst thing is that at one point, I said that maybe he should just not mention when he and Cathy see each other (because it was making him worry about my feelings, and then we would have long angsty talks), and even though I've retracted that, he still takes it as an excuse to withhold information. He does say that he'll definitely tell me if they end up sleeping together again, but that they won't... so I see this as effort on his part. I honestly think he's trying and that he wants to stay with me, but being with Cathy has been super-flattering because everything she says and does is new.