Originally Posted by rory
Your conclusion sounds healthy. It really sucks that sometimes it takes really long to accept that you really can't change another person. (Oh, how long I've thought regarding an issue "if only he wouldn't do things like that and everything would be perfect".) But it's really important to first accept who he is and what he does. By accepting I don't mean that one has to be OK with everything, just that one has to stop denying the issue/conflict. And then, I find it equally important to honestly look at the situation and see if it's something I can live with or not. And if not, what is it that follows: will I wait for a set period of time and hope for change or try to work on a solution or will I have to terminate the relationship. I guess this is what they call making your boundaries...
I think it's taken so long because I'm only just finding out recently that some things I thought WERE changing, weren't really. I thought there was progress being made, and I'm finding out it wasn't real. I think he wanted to change things as much as I did but instead of finding real inner change, he would change behaviors until it got to be too much (because it wasn't coming from deep inside), and then it would stop. I'm just seeing that now.
I'm going to sit down this weekend and write up the things that are good that we give each other, so I can focus on those. I'll share those with hubs. And I"m also going to write up the things that I need from people in my life (not all people, just need from someone or another), and I'm going to figure out how to get that met.
You're right in that it is setting boundaries. I don't know if there's anything I just can't live with yet. That will come with time. I do know that something in me has finally given-- and I'm not afraid of losing the relationship anymore. It would make me sad, I don't want to, but I'm not living in fear of it. And I'm realizing that keeping this relationship is as much up to him as it is me...