Magdlyn you're asking the hard questions. Honesty time I confess I've not thought beyond gratifying my basic lust.
The way I saw it and still see it it's about novelty the Coolidge effect as Sex at Dawn calls it. Men and women instinctively seek novel sex partners as a way of diversifying the gene pool which can become inbred in small tribal groups. That instinct manifests itself as a drive for novelty and I'm assuming one sure way of making any animal unhappy is to deny it a biological drive or instinct.
Humans are intensely social organisms one explanation for our large brains is that we needed to evolve all those neurons to promote language as well as keeping track of intricate social networks. Along with our closest primate cousins the bonobos and chimpanzees humans use sex for social bonding and networking. I am just beginning to understand we live in a culture which minimizes the importance of sex as a widespread social interaction and which compensates by obsessing about sex in every other guise pornography advertising etc.
I'm saying this only to emphasize that the need for sex as a social bonding activity wider than the nuclear pair bond is most likely biologically ingrained in us. Forcing ourselves through monogamy to deny that need will have consequences. I know some of this is contentious I don't want to open a whole can of worms. I guess these are the intellectual justifications I've looked to in trying to understand the strong and unhappy feelings I experience every day. As I've said it feels like hunger.
To try and answer your question Magdlyn then yes I do think I feel a need deep down for intimacy. I'm not sure I'd be the infatuated/obsessed type with a new sex partner it doesn't sound like me. But intimate friendship yes that sounds nice. Even "falling in love" which might be no more that a hormonal high a good and healthy one.
I do feel very close to A and there is so much common understanding between us. So there is at least one person in the world I share a deep intimacy with at some levels. I suspect the problem I have with my hunger for someone else feels huge mostly because it's the one thing I have not been able to open up to her. I don't want to sound pathetic again but her accepting this part of me would be such a blessing it would make our relationship somehow complete. I just don't know how to get the two of us there prayer maybe.
As for pornography it can drain a lot of energy because of sleep deprivation in front of the computer. I don't feel that addicted because I've sometimes gone for months without feeling the need. I sometimes think I deliberately seek it out as a kind of defiance or trying to understand what I am really after. As I said before it makes me disgusted with myself not so much because I think it's a wrong thing to do but because it's something I am forced to hide from A and i hate that. It makes me feel alienated. You're right it is ultimately very unsatisfying and quickly gets boring too.
I can't believe that people could take an interest in my little self absorbed world. Thanks so much for reading this Magdlyn and everyone else on this thread.
River no offense mate I've enjoyed you and nycindie sparring. You have something going on?