So, I wanted to wait until giving this update, here we go...
First, the past week was the most stressful week I have had in my life. I would start crying randomly without being able to stop. This week is a bit better. In the meantime I saw a doctor and I'm going to see a psychiatrist starting in September.
I've been under some stress non stop since getting back in France. I'd hear about new debts from before leaving for Canada regularly, I had the issue with welfare that required me to explain my lack of alimony, I had an appointment with the Consulate (today) and a list of things to prepare that was pretty long, and many remarks and comments ("even if you get the visa there is no guarantee you'll be allowed in the territory, you may be sent back at your cost", "if you forget one thing you'll be turned back", "if we refuse to give you a visa we keep the 140 bucks", "if you're found to lie you might be refused visas to the US forever"...)
Then I ended up finding a new place to live, and needing lots of paperwork for THAT too, as well as money, then on top of that I haven't found any paying job...
But was completely freaked me out last week is when I contacted Raga. When I asked in late May or maybe early June about sending the paperwork, he said he'd do it upon his return on the 15th of July. Seamus was really worried then, but I reassured him that of course Raga would do it.
On the 17th or so I sent an email with the paperwork and stuff so he wouldn't have to find it himself, and he said he'd send it the next day.
Then after a week I asked how it was going and he said he'd do it later that day. Since then I've had no news.
Sadly, the more he says he'll do it later the scarier it gets. He said work had been too busy to mail a letter (that I had typed out to him, just needed to copy a few lines and sign and mail it). The letter isn't part of the divorce paperwork, it's so I can get back money I gave to him when we got married since he kept the money in Canada and I was to get the money in France as per our separation agreement.
Now, his work is every other day. Even if for some reason he worked every day he must have had time to shop, and I've seen him play games on Steam and such. So he most definitely had the time. I know it's a lie. It's not a matter of time. It's a matter of not being bothered to do it.
And it terrifies me. All of my problems revolve around having no money and not being divorced yet. He holds a key to both of them (although I'm trying to get money through other means as well) and isn't doing anything, and there is nothing I can do.
I'm usually in control. I hate not being in control. When there is something to do I want it over and done with. When I have an appointment I'll show up early and wait rather than risk missing it. If I need to wait I'd rather wait where the appointment is going to be than wait at home. And to some extent I felt more comfortable with taking a 24 hour ride to Vancouver than a plane flight because for the same arrival time I was on the way earlier. If something messed up I had done all I could do.
So everything in me wants to mail the paperwork. But I've contacted lawyers in France and Canada and they both say I cannot. It needs to be him. And he's not doing it. And there is nothing I can do to make him do it.
I'm terrified. I want to be divorced. I don't want to be married to him. I want closure, I want it to be over. Once the Canadian part is done I'll need several more months to get it recognised in France. And only then can I apply to get a fiancÚ visa to the US to get together with Seamus, which would take 6-8 months.
But... I wanted to be divorced in the meantime. I wanted some time to live my own life without being chained to my past or my future. I wanted to be independent for a little bit.
Now, it's looking like that would mean years away from Seamus, and I wouldn't stand it. I know I wouldn't. I didn't want to jump from one marriage to the next but the longer the divorce takes the more likely it is that I'll "have" to.
And it all makes me very sad. When I broke up with Raga, I had a lot of trust in him. Trust that he had it in him to be happy, grow as a person, realise he was worth it, etc. But also trust that we would have each other's backs because not being a couple didn't mean we couldn't be loving friends anymore.
But as he did so many times while we were together, he broke my trust. He left me feel betrayed, had, stupid for trusting him over and over again, stupid for defending him to other people who didn't trust him and who he ultimately proved wrong.
And it makes me very said (I know, I said so already). Not only because feeling betrayed and let down constantly like that sucks, but because it means he hasn't changed. We've been separated for seven months and he's every bit the same procrastinating person as he used to be. I really, really hoped that being away from me and having to learn to stand on his own two feet and to trust himself would allow him to change and grow. And he hasn't. And that's the worst part, because when I broke up with him, I know I was making him suffer, but I really thought that in the long run he'd be better off. Now I'm not sure.
I mean, I still think I was right to break up, for a variety of reasons, and I definitely think staying with him would have been using him, so I didn't do it despite all the advantages it would have given me, and that was definitely a right call, as hard as everything has been ever since.
But now I'm kind of losing hope that he'll ever be better. And that's a terrible thought. I still love him, and I want him to be happy, I want him to feel good about himself and in general, and I'm worried it might not happen.
I guess it will, but it's taking longer than I would have wanted it to. I just hope he can sort things out before getting into another relationship as another crutch, lest it happen all over again. Not saying that every situation would be similar, but... I really feel it's a journey he has to take on his own. I thought he was doing so much better when we became a couple and he was under NRE, but little by little I realised every single thing was still there, and poisoning the relationship, and becoming worse and worse.
Anyway... I've been very stressed out. Then today I asked for a 4 months visa and they refused it from me. I waited an hour, then a guy called me, I faced him, he looked at the paperwork I had given before my wait, then looked at me and went "wanna stay for four months? That's too long. You could travel for 3 months without a visa so I'll give you a visa for three months. Have a nice day" and that was it.
In a way I'm relieved that it's over, and that I wasn't told I'm not allowed to travel to the US at all or something. On the other hand, it feels like a complete waste of time and money.
I don't know, maybe it will help at the border.
Oh, speaking of procrastination, Raga has had some stuff he said he'd send since February, and he still hasn't, so I guess the divorce isn't what he's been procrastinating on the most.
Seamus is still coming in October. So that's very, very good. But right now I'm so frustrated with everything, I just feel like rolling into a ball and crying until he gets here.