We came into poly as a result of an affair. I was already in love with another man, yet still in love with my husband and we did NOT want a divorce.
But NOW.... my husband has just begun a relationship with someone, and even though we have talked about it and I myself have been sleeping with another man for the past 10 months... it was surprisingly difficult for me!!! ("Paybacks are a bitch???") -- Although my husband didn't do this as a "payback," of course. I encouraged him to pursue this woman. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted him to feel more love, I wanted him to heal from some of the ego-crushing he has dealt with over my polyamory... Then when he actually had a date with her Friday night, I went into a bit of a swirl. I panicked, that I jeopardized our marriage, that I forced him into something he really doesn't want, and yes, a little fear that he will like her more, leave me for her...
I'm doing better now. Friday night was extreme, though. Sundance says the fear comes in waves -- you learn to ride them out.
I have to remind myself that I have been programmed by society to fear my husband's capacity to love. Also, at this point he is not feeling "love" -- he calls it a fling. I feel silly that I reacted as I did -- I believe in polyamory, I do! And it is working out wonderfully for ME; it's being on the other side that is a new challenge! "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." -- It's all good.