Originally Posted by nycindie
LHLH, I think these reactions indicate much deeper problems than being caught snooping. I gotta wonder why people sign up for polyamory when they cannot handle their partners having feelings for others.
I don't think that's a fair statement; it's one thing saying to your partner "yes, I'm happy for you to be in love with another person", but it's another thing completely for that partner to ignore your feelings because of their own.
the responsibilty of anyone in a poly relationship to take into account both partners' feelings, and not just regard the new partner as being owed something. NRE is hard to handle when it's so intense, and especially when you're being asked to take away everything that stands for your relationship with your partner (ie take the kids out of the house) so that they can focus all their time on the new partner.
EDIT: Nycindie, the rest of your advice is really good, I just fel a little spark of objection at that comment sat all on it's own heh. Don't think I'm having a go at you!
Personally, OP, I've been in pretty much the same situation (except his new partner was also my own), but we haven't broken the relationship off. He's still ridiculously sneaky about his messages (although I'd never deliberately "snoop", everyone leaves their facebook open and mistakes can be made, and some of those mistakes have ended with things like "I know we've got a baby together but I just don't love her [me] as much as I love you") and he still acts like I owe them the time together, regardless of my feelings... But things can change.
What we did was... well what I did was keep nagging him about my feelings until he started to see what the problem was. I tried pushing it aside, tried hiding it, tried sugaring it so it wouldn't make him (or her) feel bad, but it didn't work. So I just thought fuck it, why should I be the one suffering when I'm supposed to be a part of this relationship? I hated
doing it, because I didn't want to feel so much like I was imposing on him, and like I was in control, because, like some have already said, one partner isn't implicitly in control. But don't have to feel like you have to give up your happiness for his. You have as much right to your comfort, and your boundaries, as he does to his. If it's bothering you the best thing to do is to openly, face to face, in front of them both perhaps, talk about it. Let them know how it feels to be in your position, and let them know before it starts again.
It might not ever be that way again, and I hope sincerely that it isn't, because relationships do grow, but I'd say that you should clear the air and tell your husband exactly how you felt last time, and discuss with him a way to ensure it doesn't happen again.
For me, that was asking Mr.V and Ms.V not to have sex while I'm left with our daughter, asking that if they want some time alone together that I can be considered and asked with some notice so that I can make plans to be with other people, instead of sat on my own in a heap of negative emotions. And for them to consider how it would feel to be the one who's not involved in the intimacy when I am around.
Love shouldn't feel like a contract, but it shouldn't have to hurt anyone either.