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Old 07-30-2011, 03:04 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 164

Originally Posted by sage View Post
I don't quite get who you are avoiding cheating on?
That's the weird part. I don't have someone to cheat on right now yet I still feel like I would be sacrificing my honor if I cheated. I think the feeling could be compared to a virgin who doesn't want to give up their virginity because they believe it is something special to be cherished. Yet I also don't feel like I am "saving myself" for anyone in particular either. These are weird feelings that don't quite make sense to me intellectually and I'm wondering if deep mono cultural programming has something to do with them.

I am coming around to the belief that monogamy may be as hard-wired into some of us as polyamory is into others. Maybe that hard-wiring is deeply buried and is only recognisable after we've cleared out a lot of mess and rubbish from previous toxic relationships. Like you I wasn't like this when I was younger.
I'm thinking they can both be. Sometimes I can really lament my resistance to engaging in affectionate behavior. If someone is very sweet and kind, I will think that they deserve physical affection and want to give it them or think that a person is attractive and wish that I could have some fun with that person. I could have such feelings about multiple people within a reasonably short time-span, but then I think it is the poly-nature of these feelings that causes my mono-reflex to shut everything down and go, "don't get yourself into more than you can handle"

That hasn't happened for me. Yes I dealt with jealousy and insecurity and I want my partner to experience his polyamorous self. But I think I also need to experience my monogamous self and I don't know if that is truly possible with a polyamorous partner. This realisation has taken a long time to surface and I'm not ending my relationship but it is a new paradigm for me and I will have to see where it goes.
That's funny. I sometimes think that having a monogamous relationship with a polyamorous partner would be the ultimate relationship since you can totally devote yourself to that person by also supporting them in having other partners as well. With one-on-one monogamy, I think there is often more potential for cheating because of the constraints that limiting yourself to a single partner brings with it. In fact, I think monogamy makes "the grass on the other side of the fence" greener because of repressing the ability to pursue other people licitly. Anyway, I'm really just speculating because I don't have experience with living poly. Maybe someone who does can address how poly affects the allure of the grass on the other side of the fence.
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