View Single Post
Old 07-30-2011, 04:55 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,560

Hi again PoH,
In your other thread, you wrote:
Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness View Post
And now we are back together. We decided after working on our marriage, that poly was the life we wanted to have. I told him I could deal with being poly, but I could not deal with the life we had before, and if it became that again, we would not work. He agreed. He has been seeing other people, as have I, and it has been good.

However, now he has started wanting to be with this woman again, who he has remained strictly platonic friends with. I have been against this because of what happened in the past. I began working on my insecurities and fear, and decided finally that I needed to allow him to have the relationships he wants or there will be resentment. So he is with her again. He says this time is different. But I feel a pulling away and distance.
I bolded specific sentences to point out a few things: You said that you two have been working on the relationship and things are good. You said you both wanted poly this time around. You said you are aware that your fears and insecurities are centered on the past, not the present. You said that you want him to be happy and not resentful.

Now, remember, if it's polyamory you signed up for and not just an open marriage, you have to accept that love comes into play. You have diligently done work on your relationship and made room in your life to cultivate multiple loving relationships. Are you going to take it all back because you are remembering the hurt from what happened before, when you both were different people with different goals? You said you've been seeing other people yourself -- have you been holding yourself back from falling in love because underneath it all you really don't want love to be in the equation?

People do change. Relationships do evolve. See what is, not what was. You can't drive a car always looking in the rear-view mirror. If you feel he is distancing himself, that could be your fears playing on your mind. Or it could be that he is just focusing on his relationship with her and is a bit caught up in NRE. Either way, talk to him about it. Tell him you are afraid to see the same thing happen all over again, and ask that he move more slowly this time. Also, you said in your other thread that she is a friend. Go out with her, talk with her, develop a relationship with her, so that she doesn't become some big threat looming in your mind. Find ways to nurture and nourish the romance and love between you and your husband without pointing fingers or claiming ownership. Take care of you, and look at the part that still hasn't forgiven him for what happened before. This is what I mean by working toward compersion.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 07-30-2011 at 05:02 AM.
Reply With Quote