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Old 07-30-2011, 01:44 AM
pursuitofhappyness pursuitofhappyness is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The USA
Posts: 5
Default I need advice right away!

Hello all...

I have stumbled upon this site in pursuit of finding some help and advice. Let me first introduce myself. I am a female, who is in a poly relationship with my husband of 11 years. We started Poly about 2 years ago, and it was a decision in the beginning I felt was almost forced on me. I'm trying not to make this a novel, but I think some background is necessary. We were friends with another couple for several years, and I was always aware of the fact that my husband had an attraction to this other woman, but I pushed the insecurity down. Anyway, when poly was proposed to me by my husband, it was done in such a way that I felt like it would enhance our lives, and I certainly believe it can if done in a respectful and loving manner as it should be. I agreed to the lifestyle, and my husband asked that I look for a date first, which I did. I found several men to date and one in particular that I connected with. My husband was frustrated that there weren't any women he could connect with, and kept coming back to our friend with whom he has had a strong attraction to. I was very insecure about him developing a relationship with this friend, because I knew they had a deep connection. However because I wanted to make him happy, I finally agreed to let the relationship take place. Instantly it developed into a constant frenzy of texting, seeing eachother, asking me to leave with the kids so he could have her at our home, and putting the kids and I aside. It was a horrible situation, and ultimately we separated over it because I realized he didn't really care about our relationship at all anymore - he had completely lost perspective.

We separated for 8 months. He broke it off with this woman. He decided he wanted to be in our marriage again. And now we are back together. We decided after working on our marriage, that poly was the life we wanted to have. I told him I could deal with being poly, but I could not deal with the life we had before, and if it became that again, we would not work. He agreed. He has been seeing other people, as have I, and it has been good.

However, now he has started wanting to be with this woman again, who he has remained strictly platonic friends with. I have been against this because of what happened in the past. I began working on my insecurities and fear, and decided finally that I needed to allow him to have the relationships he wants or there will be resentment. So he is with her again. He says this time is different. But I feel a pulling away and distance. I am trying so very hard to overlook this and be happy on my own, knowing no one can 'make' me happy, I choose that on my own accord. However I cannot seem to shake the feeling that we are going down the same path.

The bottom line is that I know I can live without him in my life and be fine. I love him - more than I have ever loved anyone. But I realize that I love myself more, and at this point I don't know what to do.

I must sound really crazy - at least that's how I feel. If anyone has suggestions, I would so appreciate it! Thanks!
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