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Old 07-29-2011, 11:44 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192
Default Update

I guess its about time to update. I seem to only do this when "something happens." Well, something has indeed happened. One of partners chose to be in an exclusive relationship earlier this week. It has been hard on me for a variety of reasons. Certainly, the sense of loss of what we had and where we might have developed is strongly there. But, I also have been having real trouble with it because I didn't know she was dating this person. And, my clue was that she updated her facebook status. Instant. Heart. Break.

Just ouch.

Bizarre to me as we had just went through a round of trying to communicate feelings clearly, etc. But, none of this really hit the radar screen. Yet, here we are now. Yep, still hurts.

I'm struggling with whether or not there's a selection issue that I have to be more careful navigating. I haven't been living poly very long - a year and a half I guess now. But, I have had two relationships end unceremoniously. It's not that they end. I do expect that to happen with similar frequency with being monogomous. What has surprised me is the lack of consideration and care displayed in the ending of the relationship. It seems that there are some pretty firm "rules" in breaking up with a monogomous girlfriend/boyfriend (e.g., after X amount of time you can't do it on the phone....). These "rules" - at least in my experience - have been followed pretty well.

It feels to me like these women have ended our relationship as if I shouldn't care. As if the 8-10 months of connecting would only amount to the loosest of connections that don't deserve consideration of impact. I told L after getting clarity about her recent choice and expressing my shock and hurt by it:

"I won't belabor the point further, but I would have expected more care and consideration than one might give a one night stand."

Is that really too much to ask for in poly relationships? Does the fact that we have other partners mean we can and should be cavalier about how we swap them in and out of our lives?

It has been a hard week. I have discovered, however, that all the changes I've made to my life and attitude are paying dividends. I've managed to feel this pain fully but also still see and enjoy the myriad other joys in my life. Not so long ago, there would have been no light.
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“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron
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