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Old 07-29-2011, 04:34 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104
Default Explanation for hubbys sake.

They tell me not to give up this site, my only support system. I am backing off for my own sanity because I can not deal with all the drama my feelings cause. Every time I write something it upsets someone. This time it was hubby. He thinks I make him out to be a bad guy. I don’t mean to, he has never been an abusive person and never would be. He was upset about a few things so I feel the need to clarify on a couple of them. He did make more money than I did a couple of months ago and did have to sell his grandpa’s car to help pay the rent. I’m not saying there isn’t an effort there anywhere but to me, and I’m sure this will cause a whole night worth of drama, it is few and far between. Before he got laid off the last time he worked for a month. That month he made more money than me. To the best of my knowledge there has not been a single application filed out or resume sent in to anywhere since then. Since that is going on 2 months now since he got laid off I feel like his kids and I aren’t worth the effort it takes to at least try to get a job. If he still can't get a job then I would be more understanding but when there is just NO effort then what should I feel? He claims to never pass up a job but it feels like he expects the jobs to fall into his lap with little to no effort on his part.
As far as communication goes I obviously suck at it and didn’t mean that I was “perfect and he sucks” Never once did I say or think that I am perfect in any way. I just get really tired of never saying or doing anything right. It isn’t that I think my husband is a monster or anything. I love him so very much and just want all of us to work together to deal with whatever comes up. Hubby and M are more internal people and I understand that I guess. I told hubby last night that I just miss us and how we used to be able to talk about anything but then he informed me that he hasn’t been able to talk to me since shortly after we got married. He said he was too afraid of upsetting me or making me cry. So for 9 years……..what? We haven’t really had the strong wonderful marriage that I thought we had? I was crushed. I felt like our whole marriage was a lie or something. I know it isn’t that dramatic but that is how I felt. After the hurt feelings and resentment that I am sure this will cause tonight I will try to back off from here and maybe just send PM instead. Maybe someone knows of another site that I can go to without anyone knowing under a different name that I can be completely honest without the drama of the fight that follows. I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew I love my husband and I do not think he is a horrible person at all. Just wish ……things were different.
I am also sorry for all of the retarded drama. I feel like I have PMS all damn time now it has just been a roller coaster of emotions and I am about to break. Hubby and M went out last night and I got a night alone with J. I was so relaxed and happy when they got back. Hubby seemed happy till he saw that I was in a great mood after doing everything I could not to cry before he left. I know this is not the case but I feel like he wants me to be sad with J too. He claims he wants me to be happy even if it is J that does that for me but he is still getting over the feeling of betrayal because J was his best friend. So he still gets upset to see me happy with him. I never meant to fall in love with J but he makes me happy. He talks to me about anything, he holds me when I cry and comforts me. I know I couldn’t live without J in my life ever. I need him and he needs me. He isn’t working either and he knows that bothers me because we can talk to each other and hear what the other person is saying. He has left for a few days to go to his parent’s house to try to find a job closer to a bigger city and help his folks out some. I wished him luck and told him how much he means to me then he left. He hated leaving me with things in an upheaval but it has to be done. Me starting a second job really really bothers him. I love the fact that he is as emotional as I am because it is easy to see what is going on with him. I love both of my guys so so very much and can’t wait to get past all of this retarded ass bull crap so we can enjoy our lives together. I worry that hubby wouldn’t be better off just being with M. I would never want to lose him but why in the hell would he wanna stay with someone he hasn’t been able to talk to in 9 years. I just feel so bad that I didn’t even notice that our relationship wasn’t in a good place. I feel stupid now looking back on what I thought was a strong enough relationship to get involved with the poly life style. Had I known beforehand that everything was not how I thought I would have never ever allowed myself to admit my feelings for J. We would have never gotten into this life style. Now it is too late we are both 100% in love with other people and trying to turn our marriage into a stable one. I really wish I would have known that our marriage wasn't what I thought it was. It makes me feel so stupid.

Last edited by lovinhimloviner; 07-29-2011 at 04:47 PM.
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