Thread: Fell in love?
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Old 10-21-2009, 10:43 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
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Originally Posted by NightDragon View Post
What do I do? I love my wife! I even really care for DB, more then I could ever care for any other man, but this hurts. I know you can't control your emotions, specially not in who you love or how you love, but I am not ready for this.


But again, what do I do when I'm not ready for my wife to be "in" love with another, specially when she already is?
It's true we can't control our emotions, but we can look at the feelings that come up and try to understand what they're telling us. Most of the time, those hurt feelings and jealousy are based in fear. And most of the time that fear is based on things that may not actually be in the reality. It sounds like your wife falling in love has put you into a place where you're starting to feel the "worst case scenario". So perhaps it might be good to talk about what you fear is the worst case scenario. Are you afraid that by being in love, she may choose him over you? Or that she may have less love for you? That you will now be compared to him? That you may have to take a different place in her heart than the one you know and are used to?

Figure out exactly what your fears are then TALK about those fears specifically with her. Often, even just talking about the specific fears greatly lessens their hold on our lives.

A lot of poly couples I know make it a point to have a radically honest "what's the worst that could happen?" conversation before beginning new relationships. They always find it useful because almost always it shows that their worst case scenarios aren't nearly as bad as they imagine them to be.
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