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Old 07-28-2011, 03:18 PM
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River River is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 2,164

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
My husband and I do not know how to talk to each other any more. He said he is afraid to talk to me about anything because I can't control when I cry.
Most of us men were (wrongly) taught that crying is utterly unacceptable. It is possible that your own crying reminds your husband of some emotional pain he carries that would cause him to cry if he allowed the dam to break. People with suppressed and repressed pain generally feel uncomfortable about the free expression of feeling which they suppress in themselves. So this may be more about your husband's not crying than about your crying.

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I say something that bothers me and I then hear how it is my fault that it happened or that it is that way.
Ouch! Please, please, sit him down and tell him that this is how it feels to you, that whenever you talk and mention anything that bothers you that he makes it your fault -- and then how that feels to you. Try to woo his empathy, to woo it out of him. Say, "Darling, it would be so good for me if you could just empathize with me on this. How would it feel to you if I said all of the difficult things are YOUR fault?"

He may actually feel that it is all his fault, while being afraid to speak it out loud. He may have some terrible terror that everything's his fault and so he's trying desperately to throw it off onto you because he feels terribly burdened with guilt or shame.

Maybe you can talk and get to a place where fault is not what is at hand, but opportunity, instead. Why not reframe things so that each of you, together, have this opportunity to recognize issues and problems in a welcoming way and to creatively and collaboratively work with them -- for your mutual benefit? It doesn't need to be anybody's fault. It can be a fun game of Let's learn how to be happy together, for both of us!"
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