Hotcha is a global superstar who had led a very sheltered life (clouded by substance abuse). She discovered the resistance movement and polyamory at the same time and jumped into both with joyous abandon. She has for the most part been very happy, but now finds herself suddenly sad.
(her given name is Giselle so sometimes Giselle and Hotcha are used interchangeably)
Hotcha was not always a happy person. She was used to self-doubts and despondency washing over her and tossing her all about. She had been happy for quite a while, but now she was back in the familiar territory known as sad. Last night she was so happy. It didn't feel like much had changed. But everything had changed. Happy had changed to sad.
Yesterday had been a gorgous day with bright blue skies and a crystal clear night. This morning was chilly and the sky was completely gray. It was going to rain. The skies were going to open up with that cold and miserable kind of rain.
Last night she was so happy in love with Jean Bove. They had made love. It was nice. But she had signed her life away, and she wanted... she needed to change her mind. She had explained polyamory to Jean. He didn't seem very freaked out about it, but he didn't think it was for him. He was a monogamous minded man. He had asked her to be monogamous for him. She didn't take much time to think about it. Janice seemed happy being monogamous with Jerod. The whole world seemed to think that monogamy was the right way to be, except some of the UUtopians. Mostly the UUtopians she was in love with. Hotcha could remember when Danny Fire first told her about Janice and how much he loved her. Now Janice was fine restricting her sexuality to only Jerod. Janice was, but Giselle was not. She looked over at Jean sleeping naked on the bed. She wanted to shake him and wake him up and tell him she changed her mind. She knew that if she ever saw Danny or Astasha or Jenna again she would throw her arms around them and tell them how much she loved them and then she would want to be with them. She would want to love them without limits or artificial barriers. It would not mean that she loved Jean any less. Why were people so uptight about nudity, relationships and intimacy? Why didn't everyone just want to love everyone? Wasn't that natural?
But that was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what was preying on her mind. The real dark cloud, the true heaviness that weighed on her mind, was the state of the world. She had rolled out of bed to check the i2 in the nude that morning as she usually did, and this morning the state of the world had just gotten to be too much for her. She felt sadness about all the war going on and the people shooting one another with guns, but more than that, she felt...
She felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Unemployeds were starving all over the world. DarqueOps was causing people pain and giving them lies to believe in that were causing even more pain. She could have just let Danny Fire kill Sharon Shafer. He could have just killed her quickly. Giselle could have just looked the other way and let that one bad person die and then maybe all of these other people would be alive. People kept praising her and saying she was bringing about the revolution, but the revolution was killing lots of people. Maybe it could have all been avoided. Maybe she would still be with Danny Fire and Astasha and Jenna now and people wouldn't be starving to death and killing each other.
Giselle began to sob quietly. And then she began to sob loudly. She had lost control and was drowning in guilt and pain and uncertainty about the future. She tried to cry more quietly so that she wouldn't wake Jean up, but then she also wished Jean would get up so that she would have someone to talk to.
She felt his warm hand on her cold shoulder. His warmth washed over her as he wraped her in his warm blanket and kissed the top of her head. Her short black hair was just starting to get long enough that it could curl a little bit. He was fond of complimenting her on it lately.
He wrapped himself around her and asked her to share with him what was wrong and she told him about what was going on in the world and how it was her fault. She told him the whole story of her trip to Dallas to kill Sharon Shafer and how she and Jenna Sanchez had prevented it. And now everyone was dying. Or starving. And she just couldn't stand it anymore.
Jean listened to her speak for a very long time and listened carefully to all she had to say. "Giselle," he said, in his warm gravely morning voice. "It would be nice if we could flip a switch and have the revolution be finished with the outcome that we want. It would be nice if we could put the seeds on the ground and have the vegetables that we'd like ready to eat in a few minutes. But God didn't create the world to work that way. If you can suffer the work to care for the vegetable then, and only then, can you eat the vegetables. And so too with revolution. Every day, more and more people are thinking about what life would be like if people cared more about one another and spent more time talking to one another and listening to one another. You are such a big part of that Giselle."
"But they're following around and undoing it all every time we do anything. Have you seen North American tv lately Jean? It's like some kind of moronic, Christian, soft-porn bazar. And the tabliod tv has all of this stuff about me being named Burika Killgore. Is that even anybody's real last name? They're saying I'm some homocidal, lesbian, escaped-convict. Do I look like a murderer? I'm nice damn it! And the only prison I escaped from was theirs. It isn't fair. We finally find a way to reach the people and they just cover it all up with distractions and make up lies and people believe them!"
"No. Not everyone is being distracted. You have reached people who will not go back. We just have to keep holding the truth up to each of their lies in turn. The truth is stronger than lies. Lies require maintenance, while the truth just dances merrily along on it's own. If you look closely, and look everywhere and not just in North America, you will see that the people are responding. People are responding because they love you. Even when you just sang a song about a burger, people always knew there was something special about you, something worthy of love and affection just in the way you carry yourself. Their fake Hotcha doesn't have that. That new young Starla one, she has a sadness about her that you can sense even through her painted on smile."
"And, whatever happened in Dallas," he continued. "You did what you did because you thought it was the best thing to do. And you really have no reason to believe that you weren't right. Who knows whether everything happens for a reason or not, but you need to give the world a chance. You need to keep doing what you're doing and see it through because right now the world is trying very hard to become something better than what it has been before. It is looking to people like you for guidance, and you have been giving them wonderful guidance so far because it just comes naturally to you. Every day we get smarter, we gain experience, more people join our cause. What we have to offer people is an unshackling of their hopes and dreams. That's better than anything the 1WG has to offer them Giselle, believe me."
Giselle turned around and kissed him. He seemed like such a wise person and she was already madly in love with him. They kissed passionately and ended up on the floor. Giselle reached up for some pillows from the bed to put under them and then they made sweet morning love. But she could not help herself. While she made love to Jean, she kept imagining what it would be like if Jenna and Randy and Astasha and Danny were there with them and they were all making love together.