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Old 07-28-2011, 12:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Default managing long distant relationships

So, I've been reading this thread and others on LDRs because I am in one, but am not quite sure about how it's going. <nervous laugh>

We don't really live that far from each other, but it's a 2.5-hour busride between our cities, and so it's not that easy to see each other. It's a fairly new relationship, and so we're not in love, but I need ways to keep it fresh.

We had such a connection and rapport in the beginning. It was all so heady and exciting as we anticipated actually meeting. He spent two days with me and it was great. But since he returned to life in his city, there hasn't been this urgency anymore -- on both our parts.

I notice that if I stop taking charge of moving this along, he doesn't really reach out to me. And yet he told me that the frequency that I had been contacting him had him feeling a bit scared that I wanted more than he could give. He seems to say he doesn't want me to be too aggressive in pursuing him, yet he doesn't pursue me. It's kind of a Catch-22.

So, here I am thinking, "Okay, I'm giving you space, waiting, not being pushy, but what are you giving me?" Now, I don't mean that in a tit-for-tat sense -- I've never been the type to keep score or position myself to get something out of a relationship. I just always figure if it feels good to be with someone, it's working. But not seeing much effort on his part makes me wonder if he cares enough about investing in what we started here.

He doesn't contact me very often without an initial prod from me. When we did have a conversation a few weeks ago, he did say that he sees us as an "us" and agreed to my suggestion that we have at least two more in-person visits to see if this is a relationship we want to keep going. Now here's another annoyance: Whenever I ask him how he's doing, he answers, and just leaves it at that. He rarely asks me how I'm doing and I find that frustrating, although most of our communications are lighthearted, pleasant, and sometimes sexy (though not as much as before).

The other thing is, since it's an LDR and we haven't gotten to know each other conventionally by going out, spending time together, and talking, and most of interactions are via text (my least favorite way), I kind of don't even know what to talk about anymore. I'm not even that familiar with where he lives to talk much about things going on there with him.

I did believe there were some issues he needs to look at and resolve with his wife, but that may have changed since we last talked about it. I don't want to get into that with him anyway, since it's not my place, but I did sort of "step back" by not being in contact as often as I had been, to give him space. For a while he was very much wanting to date locally, but he did tell me that he has instead been focused on a construction project rather than pursuing other women.

See, I believe his wife is the dominant one in their relationship (and I mean dominant in the dictionary sense, not BDSM - sigh). He got on board with poly for her. He totally adores her and I always get the sense that he's waiting for her. Just waiting. And I believe this puts a hamper on any other relationships he has or tries to have. But she has a very time-consuming job and a bf that occupies lots of her time. The other side to this is that I suspect he probably likes women to take charge more than he admits. However, for me to be happy, it can't be a one-way street. I need to know someone is interested in being with me, pursuing me, developing something with me.

Today I sent him a message to let him know I missed hearing from him (it had been a week). He texted me back to apologize. I told him I had stepped back but didn't want him to forget me. He replied that he "could never forget" me, but there were no more niceties after that. A pleasant exchange of messages followed, but it was very casual and I am just not certain what to ask for to feel better about this or to drum up some more excitement. My inclination is to plan our next visit to see each other, but am wondering if that will be too pushy, considering how much things have cooled down. I also think I want to email him more than texting. I would like to speak on the phone at least weekly. But I guess I'm feeling like asking for all that is incongruous with giving him space.

LDRs... ack! I didn't mean this to be a rant. I really do want to know how to make an LDR work in the beginning stages. Suggestions?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-28-2011 at 12:54 AM.
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