Originally Posted by jackbungee
I've done socially embarrassing sexual things over years and years all I am grateful for is I've never deliberately hurt anyone.
But what do I do with the hunger/loneliness that remains in the middle of the night after even the best sex? I masturbate until I'm empty but it's only temporary relief more bangers and mash.
This endless hunger has seriously messed up my life in many ways. I've finally understood how I obsess about sex like a starving man obsesses about food. It eats up my energy distracts me from doing creative and fun and sociable things. I'm in a dead end job because I can't get it together to move on. Haven't been able to for years focusing all my attention on how to download more porn how to meet up with women all things to do with sex without actually having sex.
I realized many years ago all this was making me feel alienated from others especially from A. I felt like I was disgusting something wrong with me. Normal guys are up front about sex and joking about it not to mention actually having sex. I can't open up to others in a natural way because I feel I'm always hiding such a huge part of me. I can't seem to make close friends definitely not with women because I have a secret to hide. That's alienation feeling I'm different from others.
The rest of "civilized" society must also be starving but maybe they cope with it in other ways? Do other people feel as alienated as me? As depressed as desperate? And A how I long to be honest with her.
I've highlighted some of your words above because I am worried. The hunger and alienation you describe seem to go far beyond a desire for multiple sex partners. From your description, it feels compulsive. Something feels broken within you. It's been my experience that kind of desperate search is often used to cover up something even more terrifying. Have you ever spoken with a reputable therapist about this?
I'm so glad you found a community that seems like a good fit for you. That's always an amazing thing to discover! I know when I came out as a lesbian and found my 'people' it was a great thing. I learned so much. But finding that community did not fix my underlying problems of not knowing how to communicate or understanding my feelings.
And in a similar way, poly can't fix what ails you. It won't make you whole, fix your broken-ness. Poly won't fix your marriage.
You're now 'normal'. Great! Now for the work.
Who are you? What do you want? What need does multiple sex partners fill for you? What role do you see for these partners? What do you want your marrige to look like? What kind of a spouse do you want to be? What kind of a father? What kind of a partner?
Poly, if one is very lucky and works ridiculously hard, offers the opportunity to be better versions of ourselves. But so does mediation, prayer, or study.
Get to know yourself and why you have such hunger for more sex partners, why you experience such painful alienation. I feel your pain so clearly in your words. Having more sex with more people without addressing the why just means you have more sex with more people - you are still stuck with you.
Opening up your marriage may indeed help you but I fear that without some understanding of where this personal drive comes from, you will blow up your marriage, harm your relationship with your kids, and damage yourself.
Best of luck to you. I'm pulling for you.