Thanks RP for your suggestions.
Originally Posted by redpepper
To her this is all very real and scary. Why should she have sense shaken into her? She is going at her own pace and its slower than the rest of you. I suggest slowing it all down, coming together to wrap her in love and assurrance and allow her to set the pace by setting some boundaries that work for her but assure that she is moving through her fear and jealousy.
I know, easier said than done. Other option is to suggest that she do this work on her own and dump her. Maybe even suggest that she isn't able to acieve poly even if she thinks the concept is one that is right for people. I don't suggest this however. Maybe she should read here? We have lots of great threads.
I agree partly with this. And I know Ki and I have been trying to reassure her and D has too. We do have boundaries that we've all agreed we feel comfortable with and that works for all of us. We discussed some of them last Sunday.
It's probably frustration on my part because until 2 or 3 months ago, Ka seemed quite content with the way things were. She was getting far more time and more sex with D that either Ki or myself. She never understood why that bothered me or Ki because she was "helping" him by cooking and cleaning. Despite the fact that she had more access to him she was still jealous of me and of Ki. And until a couple of weeks ago, she was spending a lot more time with him.
I didn't mention this before but it may shed some light on my frustration. When D and I were talking last weekend, I said I believed that if Ka can't be his only, she wants to be number one. D confirmed that in the past couple of weeks, she has asked him if he loves her as much as me or me as much as her, or who does he love the most. He told her that's not how it worked and asked why she asking that. She told him she wanted to be number one and be the most loved. He told her that was divisive and it wasn't going to be that way.
She does need to move through this at her own pace and we'll all be supportive and loving toward her. Unless she adjusts the mindset of being the "favorite" or most "important", I fear this will always be a struggle for all four of us.
We're not even considering dumping her. We all agree we want this to work because there is love among all 4 of us. I need to be more patient and not worry about what might happen, but focus on what is happening. I'm much happier that way!
Maybe I need to view the relationship among the 4 of us as still new, because even though for the just over 3 years I've been with D, he's only been with the 3 of us, the group relationship has existed for less than a year. And we've only been really "working" at it for a few months. Before that, the relationships that each of us shared with D were separate.
I'll be the first to admit that I liked it that way and I didn't embrace the new relationship structure as quickly as Ka and Ki did. I've wondered if the fact that they jumped right in hasn't backfired and now they (especially Ka) are struggling with the same fears that I had when this all started last November. I took more time to integrate into the group dynamic, but now I feel very comfortable and at home with it and can see the benefits to it because I've already dealt with many of those fears.
Is it possible that Ka, and to a lesser extent Ki, are feeling threatened now that I'm actually "in" the group rather than around the edges? That could explain why as recently as two weeks ago, they were still saying to D that he didn't need a "third" woman, like I was an outsider/interloper, and not part of the family.
Thanks for your thoughtful responses and any other insights are appreciated!