hello again all and thanks so much for your responses...
redpepper, there are actually plenty countries that recognize multiple marriage-usually polygynous-and offer legal protections to all wives but we live in the united states. when i say "legal protection" i am speaking of things like power of attorney and medical power of attorney, inheritance for my future children etc...
i agree that the most sensible and sane thing to do would have been to continue to try to create friendship with the wife but my past attempts were met with duplicity too many times to count-so i stopped attempting. i don't think she really cares how her behavior makes me feel. she's an underdeveloped leo who was living in and acting out of fear, insecurity and ownership...those things didn't really leave her much of a choice but to behave how she behaved so i chose to stop reaching out to her. i do, however, remain open to working with her with clear boundaries and limitations but she seems to have difficulty dealing with me if it means she can't control me or my relationship with my partner.
your points about continuing provide them with my "boundaries and listen to theirs" until we come up with an agreement on how it will work are so on point and words to a newly converted choir! for so long i was completely open about everything and oblivious to my own boundaries. watching and being hurt by her and sometimes his behavior has brought me to a healthy place of maintaining boundaries and keeping myself happy and well. your point about him being a "mediator between me and his wife." is also excellent and something i had to learn the hard way. i now only communicate with her...well with her! i also no longer discuss him with her and the funny thing is, with that being the case, she doesn't want to communicate as much...probably because these two boundaries make it harder for her to manipulate my feelings but whatever.
nycindie, thanks for the link. i too have heard of corporations and llc's. we have discussed those and are open to the possibilities...we just need more information on how it all works. i will continue to research the issue...your suggested link included...thanks again :-)
sage, you raise a good point about my not having mentioned how he feels. i didn't before because i was talking about myself but i guess his feelings are relevant too, lol! his wife's happiness was definitely important to him in the beginning, to the point where he constantly sacrificed my needs and general happiness for hers. he did this by severely limiting our time, putting her first in all things, consulting with her about time with me but not vice versa, even breaking things off with me for a year...etc. through it all, he has realized that she will not be satisfied with anything he presents that involves another partner-which is not acceptable to him since this was one of the conditions of their marriage. though it was difficult for me to be in and deal with, in hindsight, i feel like the whole process was necessary for him to see her true colors-i honestly do not believe that she is cut out for a multiple relationship...but he is and so am i, so she is the odd person out. she has to decide whether she is going to adapt or leave since he and i have tried it her way to no avail-even when we were broken up she wasn't happy because he loves me and even though he was willing to give me up in practice and function, he could not change his feelings-which wasn't enough for her. at the same time, he wasn't happy because he wasn't with me. he responded by telling her he wanted to reestablish a relationship with me. they came up with an agreement and he re-approached me. i accepted...and she tried to reneg...again. control seems to be one of her core issues. she seems to have difficulty grasping the idea that his and my relationship is not something she has domain over now that it's rolling. she really wants to be able to say who, what, when, how, where, and how much in my relationship which i think is crazy, particularly since i never agreed to that kind of set up and was always explicit about my intention to create a coming together of equals. he gave her a lot of say in the beginning and he got to see her abuse that say (much later than i did too), so neither one of us extends that privilege to her any longer. further, even if she were to suddenly start being fair and balanced in her behavior, i am no longer willing to invite her back into his and my space as someone with that level of power because i see it as imbalanced and beyond that, she would never reciprocate that invitation. at this point, he knows he loves me and wants to build a long term commitment with me that could involve children. he has also made peace with the possibility that she may leave given her discomfort at his lifestyle choice, a conclusion that i think was scary and difficult for him but also, i think in his eyes, necessary for his long term happiness. currently, there is much more balance in our relationship than before. he is learning how to be respectful to both of us without disrespecting the other (a development i would like to say i had a hand in...in the past, i always openly pointed out to him when i felt like he was being unfair to her). he is growing. i am growing...and i hope she is growing too, but i haven't spoken to her about it.
i hope this provides further insight...thank you again for your time and thoughtfulness in replying.
Last edited by righthandwife; 07-27-2011 at 11:54 AM.