facing fears, facing reality, need resources too...lol!
hi, i just joined the forum today although i have read various topics in it beginning in 2008 when my poly relationship started. though this is my first full fledged "poly" relationship (i put it in quotes because i'm not in a relationship per se with my partner's wife), i am not new to the idea. i have roots in a culture that widely recognizes and accepts polygyny so i never found it reprehensible...
in any case, currently, i am involved with a married man. we began our involvement in 2008 though we have known each other for over a decade. we have always been good friends and our friendship is the basis of our relationship. we have been through HILLS AND VALLEYS i tell you- the main issue being his wife. he grew up in a polygynous household and told his wife as much BEFORE he married her. he also was maintaining a full fledged relationship with one woman when he met the woman he would later marry. due to irreconcilable differences the first partner and he broke up and he married the second. now there's me. when he decided he wanted me to be his other wife, he informed me. i told him to discuss it with his wife. they did. long story short she agreed...and then changed her mind shortly thereafter (4 months). the problem was that he and i had already opened the "love chamber" to our relationship, which was built on more than a decade of friendship and we could not let go. you know-it was like there was something buried there all along right in front of us that we never knew was there...and once we uncovered it, it was life changing. as a result of this there has been a lot of strife in our relationship which is only now evening out. but all along the wife has tried to sabotage my relationship my partner with manipulation and dishonesty. i love my partner and i entered into the relationship with the intention of having a three way partnership wherein we all had two partners. she, having continually violated my trust and hurt my feelings, no longer qualifies and my focus is him...maybe later on down the line she and i can become more amicable...i don't know.
issues i am trying to work through include: can i ever have legal protection in this relationship and if so, how do i get it? what kinds of contracts do people sign to create "marriages" in the context of polyamory? how legally free is he to sign a contract with me if he's already legally married? how do i live openly as a person who is sharing a man? how do i "come out" as it were or at least move our relationship to one that is more open? how "safe" is it out there for poly people in committed relationships? what strategies do other people use? how can she and i have separate lives/relationships with him and still have it "work?" is there anyone else having this kind of relationship? i worry about future asset division and children and things of that sort and am looking for ways to address these fears as i move forward...i know these are a lot of questions and if people have no other answers than to point me towards other resources (particularly regarding legalities) i would appreciate it...thanks in advance!