Knight resurfaced. He's been essentially silent since calling things off and sending me a sappy music video in some semblance of an apology (Jason Mraz' Absolutely Zero, if anyone cares) a couple days later. I'd been trying to both give him space by minimizing contact, and also emphasize that I understand that he wants to be friends by sending him a message about a funny thing that happened in class that related to a show he likes (i.e., non-romantic, no pressure, just plain friendly). I've pretty much left him alone after that, and he ignored it. Well, he sent me a message yesterday with a bunch of stuff about how I must be pissed, and he's being bone-headed, he hopes I don't hate him, etc. I called him to reply, and we talked a bit. He basically said that he didn't feel right about things between us right from the getgo.
That fucking pisses me off! I didn't really process it until after the phone call ended (I did tell him I was irked at how he ended things, but that no, I don't hate him), but now I'm really pretty pissed. So he didn't feel right about things from the beginning?? And he decided to play along like he did? And he fucking FUCKED ME while "trying" to be into it so he wouldn't "hurt my feelings"? WTF?? I generally try to be very understanding and see things from different points of view, but I don't see how this could be OK.
At the end of the phone call, he said he still had something he needed to express, that he hadn't quite figured out how to express, so he'd call me later about it. Later that night, he sent me a message saying he'd call me today. Well, it's the end of today, and nothing.
For all his talk about how he values honesty and believes honesty is the best policy and whatever, he sure didn't portray that in his actions. First by acting and speaking as though he did feel right about things, and second by not letting me know in person, in a timely manner when he decided to end things. Ugh!
He said that he has trouble with anxiety and is clueless about dealing with people/emotional stuff, and that's why he couldn't just tell me the way he really felt. OK, acknowledgment is great and all, but that's no excuse. I made it EASY to be honest. I was right upfront about everything, and I was never pushy or confrontational about it, either. If he didn't want to get into a relationship with me, or explore one, or whatever, he should have said so.
Ugh! The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. I honestly don't know if I can be his friend anymore. Friends don't DO that kind of thing to each other.
I feel almost guilty for being so angry, but doggonnit, I think I'm right to be angry. I'd be FINE if we had just plain and simply not worked out, IF we were honest about it. This sly, cowardly shit is what pisses me off.
Vix for short.