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Old 07-26-2011, 09:40 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 164

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Serial, while I understand that you mean having more than one partner in your lifetime isn't what you consider true monogamy, you need to understand that if you talk about being poly, people will get misconceptions.
I find it really interesting how divorce was nearly completely forbidden before the laws changed in the 1970s and since then divorce and remarriage have grown so much in popularity. Still, people insist on calling themselves monogamous (and believing it) because of the cultural taboos associated with polyamory (usually just called, "non-monogamy," no?). So I think that there are many many closet polyamorists, who may even be denying it to themselves in order to maintain mono-conformity. Behaviorally, such people may be monogamous, and that's what counts imo. I am just trying to establish the relationship between feelings and behavior and choices. It almost seems in the spirit of "don't ask don't tell" being repealed that more people will start wanting to be more open and honest with each other and themselves instead of living in confused conflict and repression.

Monogamy in human has never meant only one person in your lifetime. It's very rare among humans. Even before divorce was allowed, people remarried after the death of their spouse. People had affairs. Life long monogamy is rare and when people say "monogamy", that's not what they mean, they mean "serial monogamy". They mean "when I'm with someone, I don't see anyone else". It doesn't matter if the relationship is a few months old or lasts for years.
The problem is that the whole distinction between polyamory and serial monogamy rests on symbolically defining your relationships according to what constitutes the boundaries between love, friendship (platonic love?), etc. People seem to always be limiting some aspect of their actions to assert boundaries.

I think it would be bad for you to present yourself as poly. This isn't how most people understand the word. And you're not part of the minority. As a serial monogamist, you're pretty much the norm. While use a word that requires coming out, explaining stuff and possibly being ostracized while what you are is already what people assume and expect of you?
I'm interested in honest living. I'm trying to resolve what seems to be a massive contradiction in sexuality. I'm trying to make sense of why some people's sexuality is respected and others decried. I can't accept pure cultural and moral relativism. I am seeking moral reason.

"Monogamy refers to the state of having only one mate at any one time". I can't even find a place that has a definition talking about one mate for your whole life. I mean, that means marrying the first person you date, and never dating anyone else if you break up. That means if the person dies on your first date, you never see anyone else. That means if you first fall in love as a kid with someone you could never get, you never have a partner ever. It's very, very limiting, and therefore understandably very rare.
There's also this interesting part of the bible that talks about the thought of adultery already being adultery. So I'm wondering if so many people are capable of serial monogamy, what is stopping them from considering other relationships while involved in a current one? Or is there a culture of secrecy and shame that is practically impossible to avoid?

As far as lifelong goes, just be honest about that. Say you're looking for an exclusive but not lifelong relationship. People will understand that much better. And when describing yourself, serial monogamist will be the accepted term, not poly. And even if you think serial monogamy is a subset of poly, it would still be the more accurate and specific term.
Yes, I think you are describing mono-normative culture pretty well. Like I said, though, I'm interested in a slightly deeper cultural level.