Originally Posted by morethan1
Now, when I first met Tom, I told him about the current situation with Rob (no sex at that time) and he is fine. Well right about the same time that I decide I'm ok with being sexual with Rob and then we are sexual, Tom seems a little insecure that I'm seeing Rob and spills that he has deep issues with cheating (due to past experiences) and is not comfortable with me being intimate with Rob until he is actually separated. Tom's reaction is so strong that I repeat that I'm not intimate with Rob, even though I just have been.
I think the above quote is important. And maybe it will help you decide where that fuzzy line draws.
It seems as though Tom places a potentially high value on honesty and ethics. Reality is, unless everyone is comfortable otherwise, your choices of sexual activity are your own. In the sake of honesty and trust, yes, it's best to share the fact that you are intimate with "others", are being "safe" about it etc and THAT has to be trusted and respected.
The details of whether your 'others' are in or out of a relationship etc are really only your stone to carry. IMO that level of detail is not necessary to be shared. As you mentioned, both these relationships are new and there's no projecting whether any of them will have any lasting power. If that does happen then my thoughts would change/have extensions for the long term stability of a poly configuration. But that's not where you are now.
Your challenge it seems is to substantiate your ethical side to Tom without also giving him the impression he is 'entitled' to in-depth details of your other lovers. At this point it's all exploration on everyones part and given the fact that you are up front and honest about the fact that you are poly and intend to stay that way is really 'notice served'. More than that requires everyone to EARN rights to more detail.
That's my thoughts anyway..........