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Old 07-26-2011, 05:56 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I really was ok with the 5 nights a week thing. I was really in a good place till last night. Sundrop is her own person I don't expect her to help take care of my family. She already has brought groceries over and has fixed a couple amazing dinners. She is really a great person I just don't know how to help her deal with all of this. i thought I was helping but it seems as though I keep making things worse. I started going to a poly friendly counselor to help me and I thought I was doing better. Now ......I just don't know.
I'm hearing you taking a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings and happiness. Not that our actions don't affect others, they do... but each of us has to own our OWN happiness or unhappiness. If she's having issues figuring things out, my thought is that it's her responsibility to go out and do some reading and asking of questions and personal soul searching and then communication with you all. That's NOT your job. Of course, offering suggestions or listening when she needs to talk is part of being in this relationship, but it's not YOUR job, nor can you, make her feel better.

You seem like you're the kind of person that gives of themselves completely in order to make other's feel better or get what they want. Eventually, though, you run out of what you can give. The fact that you're having crying episodes is proof of the fact that you are giving past your ability to do it "healthfully". Sometimes making sure our own needs are met and that we are getting what we need is one of the best things we can do for those around us, because only then can we truly be all there for them. It's not selfish to ask for a bit more of what you need, whatever you decide that is. Maybe being able to be natural around your hubs when she's there is needed, maybe one more night with him alone, maybe having him listen to you and accept your feelings instead of blowing you off -- only you can decide what it is that will make the situation more equitable.
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