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Old 07-26-2011, 01:36 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 622
Default Personal incompatibilities

First of all: thanks for your concern and wishes SNeacail. He went to see the doctor and is on sick leave for a week now. Seems to be a nerve that got incarcerated (really don't know what the correct medical terms are). Got some pain killers and an appointment for Thursday with an orthopaedic specialist. We will see what comes out of that.

And yes, typically male somehow. And so uncalled for. I mean, he is some kind of Obelix who tends to carry trees instead of menhirs or standing stones, 277 lbs heavy (mostly muscles with a little beer belly ^.^') and 6'6 tall. Who the heck would think of him as 'weak'? *mumbles*

But well there has happened some more this morning that made me think about our situation relationship wise. Here is what came to my mind:

One of the first negative factors that arose when we started to sort out our “new” relationship among each other has been about the way to handle private information and what would count as one. There have been some threads concerning this point on this forum and I knew that we will have some difficulties in that area.

We are really diverse when it comes to privacy. The most open one is Sward, he was the one who told me that he thought about swinging way before the thing with Lin came up. He could handle seeing me with another person (indifferent if it would be man or woman) and feel pleasure because he knew that it was making me feel good. But that means that now, in the vee situation he longs to get details as well. He wants to hear what is on my mind when I go silent and think about Lin and the like. I can't do this for two reasons:

The first is myself. I am more private when it comes to this. Got a whole entry on this blog about my personal side and how I just can't share emotions let alone intimate, sometimes physical wishes that cross my mind and leave me with nice little filmlets to enjoy. As far as this goes, he understands that I need this space and its content for myself and will have a hard time sharing it. But he asks nevertheless because … well, I kind of do not really know what motivates him. Maybe waiting for the chance that I am starting to get comfortable with it and tell him.

But the reason why I would always carefully consider talking to him about this stuff brings us to the second reason: What about Lin? Sward's ideal way of starting the vee went like this: “Ah, let's have a threesome, then I can kind of hand Phy over to Lin and everything is in order and fine.” Needless to say that this was out of the question. He himself admitted that this was unfair for the fresh relationship between Lin and me, that his wish was nourished by his own insecurities and his need to be involved and quite a bit inspired by his voyeurism. Just a first idea in his confusion because of the new situation. But it was insightful.

Because we directly got to talk about this aspect right from the start. Lin is on the far end of Sward in this matter. He needs privacy. He doesn't want to know what and how Sward and I do things and he needs to know that I will not share what he and I do with Sward. As far as the first stages of this new relationships are concerned I have to agree with him. I have read some comments on how the things the 'new' person brought into a relationship for the 'old' couple spiced up their intimate relationship or gave food for new ideas.

But I do not wish for that now. I don't want one of them doing something that was kind of a specialty of the other just because I told him that I liked it when the other did it. I don't want the relationships to mingle or that they loose their individual ways because they try to imitate one another. Because, even if it doesn't happen intentionally, it is likely to happen alongside. And that would be too early for me. I need to get to know Lin first before I want to find aspects that I first found in him appear in Sward's and my relationship, as well as the other way round, finding something well-known from Sward in the relationship with Lin suddenly.

Well, where do this thoughts originate? Sward and I stumble about this problem in the morning, when he came rolling back to bed (like a turtle on its back because of the back-pain, unable to move around … he was laughing about himself there ) and asked what I was thinking about. I told him the main gist of it (some unrelated things about my projects) but ended on “The rest isn't your business.” Because I didn't want to share my thoughts about Lin, his tongue piercing and my sudden urge to kiss him. It happens not that often, because we are in daily 'contact' at least through skype, but sometimes I just miss him terribly *sigh* But I do not want to rub this in Sward's face, why should I? He knew that it was about Lin, but he pestered me anyway.

We never fight for long. It took us five minutes to come to the point when he finally admitted that the fact that I was not willing to let him in on my thoughts hurt him and that my tone hasn't been that nice to start with. I know that I can be snappish at times and said I am sorry, but he shouldn't ask for things I don't want to discuss with him. He knows that he tends to meddle too much and that we agreed to keep relationship related things as private as the individual person needs them to be for now.

He said that the fact, that there are things that do no longer concern him (from my point of view), just hurts. That he doesn't want to loose a part of me, or be unable to reach it. I said that there have always been things I kept to myself, but he never cared because they weren't interesting for him like the thing with Lin is now. He had to admit that this was true. That it wasn't reasonable to want to know every little piece of my thoughts.

I talked to Lin later and he said that this was maybe just an issue in the early stages of our coming to terms with the relationships. That maybe we won't spare a thought on things like what or how we think of the other and how or in which detail we can or can't tell the third about it. I hope that it will be more natural later. That I will be more open with my thoughts and feelings regardless of whom I am talking to. Still just the beginning as it looks like …
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