Desperate at Dawn
Hi I'm from Auckland New Zealand and I just found your website.
I'm happily married for 19 years. A and I have 3 lovely daughters. I love my family and my marriage and I don't want to change any of that. I love A and she loves me.
But something has been wrong for many years and I never knew what. Then last year I read the book Sex at Dawn and everything went KABOOM. I suppose everyone here has read it. It's about the scientific evidence that we all need multiple sexual partners to be true to our biological nature to stay healthy. Now I know at last what was wrong in my life and is still wrong and why I suffer so much. Sexual monogamy is like not getting enough fresh air or vitamins or sleep not satisfying one of the basic requirements for health.
I've been depressed on and off for many years and that's been so bad for the ones I love most. I've done socially embarrassing sexual things over years and years all I am grateful for is I've never deliberately hurt anyone. Now I know there's actually nothing wrong with me I'm a normal human male with a good sex drive and nowhere to take it. Like they say in the book monogamy is like committing myself to eating my favorite meal bangers and mash for the rest of my life. I have never been able to admit to myself until last year that I like almost everyone on the planet need more than one sex partner. I've never been unfaithful to her but at what a price.
Our sex life is more than good it's great. I have no problem with sex with A it gets better every year. She says so too. Sometimes we laugh with pleasure after coming sometimes she cries and laughs at the same time. Our sex together is really satisfying it's deep. But what do I do with the hunger/loneliness that remains in the middle of the night after even the best sex? I masturbate until I'm empty but it's only temporary relief more bangers and mash.
This endless hunger has seriously messed up my life in many ways. I've finally understood how I obsess about sex like a starving man obsesses about food. It eats up my energy distracts me from doing creative and fun and sociable things. I'm in a dead end job because I can't get it together to move on. Haven't been able to for years focusing all my attention on how to download more porn how to meet up with women all things to do with sex without actually having sex.
I realized many years ago all this was making me feel alienated from others especially from A. I felt like I was disgusting something wrong with me. Normal guys are up front about sex and joking about it not to mention actually having sex. I can't open up to others in a natural way because I feel I'm always hiding such a huge part of me. I can't seem to make close friends definitely not with women because I have a secret to hide. That's alienation feeling I'm different from others.
But I'm married and supposed to be content you know true love not for ever looking for more. And all it's been all this time is I'm starved of normal multi-partner sex. It was such a relief to read that in Sex at Dawn. I'm normal! The rest of "civilized" society must also be starving but maybe they cope with it in other ways? Do other people feel as alienated as me? As depressed as desperate? And A how I long to be honest with her.
After reading Sex at Dawn I got A to read it too and I was really hopeful we would talk. As they say in the book renegotiate our relationship. I craved cutting though the alienation at last to be soul mates with her to open up to her and be who I am and be loved for being me. I can't tell you how much I hoped. But though she enjoyed the book and even agreed with it she said we live in a monogamous society and sex with anyone outside our marriage would mean the end of it. End of story. I was gutted.
I should explain she is very jealous of anything I have to do with the opposite sex. I long ago stopped mentioning anything about women I interact with at work or church or sport it's not worth the hassle. She goes all quiet and then days or weeks later if we have any disagreement or argument she would bring it up in such a bitter way I think she's been stewing all that time.
After she finished Sex at Dawn I had the courage to say I need more sex partners. She went ballistic it was very ugly in front of the girls. I thought it was over between us. I can't remember ever feeling so crap it was a total disaster. I backed right off and things have settled down but I don't know if down under there is some permanent damage to our relationship like maybe she feels she can't trust me anymore. That hurts the most the thought she might not trust me. To be fair I have it coming to me after all these years of not communicating.
This jealousy thing she really loses it. When she gets into a rage there is nothing I can do. I feel totally gutted but I try to stay calm and rational. One can't have two adults out of control at the same time. A's sulk can go on for days I feel sorry for the girls. But then she eventually settles down it's like she surfaces. She says she's sorry for making such a fuss and I'm a good man and she should appreciate me more. And I look at her and think to myself you've had a good rant mate now what do I do with all the stress inside me? Sometimes I just want to drink till I'm numb.
Now here I read on the net about people loving each other freely it looks like heaven. Friends with benefits. Why not? Just nice and cozy and friendly zero guilt. I have to be really honest and say I'm not sure I need or want deeply emotional relationships. At the moment the sex is so urgent it's all I can think about. I'm more hungry than lonely. That could change though once I meet my basic biological need. But it's not going to happen is it?
The weird thing is since reading Sex at Dawn I've felt more love for A than ever and for my kids too. So many times I come home from work now and I see them and I think I love my family. It feels so good here. I think it's because I now know I choose A to share my life with. She is it. She is my special other we have shared so much I never want to lose her. She had my babies. How can I tell her I'm famished I'm dying for sex with others. It's nothing to do with her she's great and even if she's not always the greatest I love her as she is. I know her so well she is inside me. Nothing can change that.
OK so why don't I have an affair?
A few years ago our neighbors were getting divorced. We were good friends their daughter played with ours we went to church camp together. A and I were really sad we said why can't they work things out? Then one evening I was in their driveway rounding up my girls for tea and she (the neighbor) arrived from work and I could see how stressed she was. I said something and she got tears in her eyes so I put my arm round her shoulder. But then she kissed me I was completely surprised. I said no we can't do this and left. Up to that point I had never found her particularly attractive she was just a friendly neighbor.
I could not tell A what had happened I knew she would say how long has this been going on and do you want a divorce? Her jealousy would explode. I tried to forget what happened but then I was completely impotent for a week. For the first time in my life I could not get it up. I lied to A that it was work stress. The lesson I learned was there is absolutely no way I can think of cheating on A without it affecting our sex life. It has to be completely open and honest. Either she has to encourage me to find sex outside our marriage with genuine love and respect for my needs or it won't work.
I've thought long and hard about the other way round what I would think of A with another man (or woman!). I honestly can't say it upsets me at all. I don't seem to have the same jealousy in me it's much more important to me that she is happy. I don't want this to sound cheesy it's just the way it is. I can't bring myself to feel anything but warm fuzzies thinking of A having pleasure with someone else even if he's a hairy ape and twice my size where it counts. I know she loves me again I'm not trying to be sentimental she just does and I trust that feeling.
Another thing is creeping in since reading Sex at Dawn which I should mention and that is now it sometimes feels to me A is the one standing between me and the joy I could have. Imagine if I wasn't preoccupied all the time? Sometimes we have a conversation and I'm only listening with half my brain the other half is thinking sex sex sex. That's what hunger does. I feel resentment for the first time in our life together. I don't want to live the rest of my life in desperation. I try not to show my anger but I guess it must come through sometimes. It's a mess.
If only she could understand how opening our relationship would be good for everyone. I can feel under the surface the energy and enthusiasm and love it would unleash in my life. It wouldn't take much it's not as if I'd be spending all my time away from home. Just the thought of being an autonomous sexual being just the hope of that would already be enough to make be bounce with joy all day long. Just the hope.
Isn't that what she wants too? If not outside sex for herself that's her own choice then for the better man and husband and father I would be. She probably has no idea how deeply I would respect her if she said to me go and find the sex you need I love you and admire you and trust you. I'd worship her. Oh my god I'd be able to hold my head up high and look people in the eye for the first time in my life. It seems so simple so easy. But I'd have to see respect in her eyes she couldn't fake it or everything would turn to custard.
I'm trapped. Thanks for listening. It all just came out sorry.
Do I have to destroy my life to get what I can't help needing?