Upheaval as a good thing?
There has been some upheaval/possible changes in my relationship world…(straight mono female with straight poly male - D, who has two other straight mono female partners - Ka and Ki).
D and Ka had problems last week. She has admitted jealousy issues, but can't seem to get a handle on them. Over the past couple of months, she's had a "blow-up" every few weeks due to this. D has asked her to leave his house twice because of this. Last Monday, she got upset and left in the middle of the night while he was asleep without telling him and then sent him texts over the next two days which he perceived as antagonistic. At one point last week, he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue the relationship with her. She's had jealousy issues over me, over Ki and over one of D's friends.
I had dinner with the Ka and Ki last Wednesday night and of course, this was the main topic of conversation. She was hurting and not sure what she should do next. I told her that for right now, she shouldn't do anything, except give him the time and space he requested because neither one was really "hearing" the other and anything that was said had the potential to make it worse. She agreed, but then texted him anyway later that night! ::sigh::
D and I spent Friday night and most of Saturday together and he told me that Ka and Ki were coming over Sunday to talk things out. We had discussed the overall relationship, the individual components and the dynamics involved and he had some ideas of things to discuss with them. I didn't want or ask to be there because I thought they needed to talk things out between them and then later, we could all talk. We did meet for dinner last night at a local Mexican restaurant and talk a little, but decided to wait until we were in private to really talk.
One thing that D mentioned was limiting the time that Ka spends with him. Like I'd mentioned in my intro posting, she was staying half the week (or more with him) and the more time she spent with him or at his house when he wasn't there, the more jealous, possessive and borderline obsessive she got over him. This development also addresses one of my struggles: the fact that I only got 1 night a week and Ka got several. Of course, she perceives this as punishment, but it's not. She *is* too focused on him and I believe that is why she's been so jealous/possessive lately. She is giving all her attention to him and isn't getting the same in return and then she gets mad, upset or hurt when he doesn’t act the way he “should” (according to the rules in her head).
So, my question is this: how can I (we) help her see that it's healthier for her, her relationship with D and the overall relationship among the four of us if she's less focused on him and spends less time with him or at his house? And how to get her to see that it's healthy and good for her to have interests and things in her life which have nothing to do with D? He doesn't want nor expect her life to revolve around him, but it has for several months now and that's put stress on him, on her and on all of us. Granted, he allowed her to spend that much time with him or at his house and has only been addressing the blow-ups when they happen, but now, moving forward, how do any of us handle this? Because the issue does effect all 4 of us and has the potential to damage or end his relationship with Ka.
Any insights, suggestions and ideas are greatly appreciated!