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Old 07-25-2011, 05:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post

No, that's my point. I'm not incapable of finding other people attractive or feeling love for past lovers. I just can't deal with the idea of having to reassure one person that my relationship with another isn't going to take away from my love for them and then go off and not worry that I'm doing something hurtful while having fun with someone else. In my mind I can reason that it's all ok, but when I see a person feeling a little guarded the next time I see her after being out with another woman and she's saying, "no, really I'll be alright," I still feel responsible for her pain on some level.
I understand this. You seem like a kind, thoughtful person which of course is admirable. But somewhere along the way the enlightenment comes that we can't take responsibility for internally generated 'harm' to others. If that makes any sense. It's much different than physically slugging someone over the head with a bat.
We all have our own belief systems and sometimes those beliefs conflict with the realities in life. It's simply impractical (impossible?) to take ownership of the rest of the world's belief systems and any pain that's caused because of conflicts with those. We don't want it, don't intend it (hurt) but also don't have control over someone else's thought process. The power is truly not within us.

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist;
Monogamy technically refers to marriage, not love.
Well - that may be YOUR definition. I know some people, including members here, who would disagree with that. Language is SUCH a trap !
For some monogamy is a way of living and viewing the world. Because the 'love' we are speaking of here is what most refer to as 'romantic' love, some actually do become blind to other potential 'romantic' love once in love with one person. Not the same 'love' you have for....say....your pet. It has nothing to do with 'marriage' which is nothing more than a legal contract which stipulates (for most) living situations etc.

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist;
Because I'm trying to figure out a way to reconcile my desire for monogamy with my feelings of confusion at being potentially polyamorous. I don't think wanting to limit myself to one relationship makes me a hypocritical poly. It's just another poly choice, I think.
I think this is just playing with words and confusing the issue - and you.

In it's most basic form, polyamory refers to the ability and openness (recognition) to love (in a romantic way) more than one person. And it's a very natural thing in the majority of humans. But it's been condemned by the powers that be for so many hundreds of years and therefore becomes a conflict when it surfaces. There are few (until recently) resources available for those who discover it within themself to turn to to learn ways to handle it constructively.

It's quite possible, if painful and difficult, to BE (self acknowledge) polyamorous yet still live monogamously because it's easier, more practical or sometimes temporary. That's different than BEING (self identifying) monogamous.

That's how language can confuse so easily. Words have to be understood within the context of the sentence they are used in.

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist;
Try telling someone monogamous when you start dating that you aren't interested in committing for life. If you say you can't know until later, they might take their chances but then you risk having to be the one to disappoint them and tell them to start their search for a life companion again.
Again, the cultural trap. And again the fallacy of owning someone else's beliefs and actions. Unfortunately the whole concept of commitment (or lack of) has come to be used as an identifier of ethical intent. Which of course is ludicrous !

Instead of looking at relationships in a more realistic manner a majority of society is caught in this programming.

Maybe a little analogy..........

Suppose you are a top gymnast and coach. You meet a wonderful new enthusiast and discover a common passion which draws you together. The 'love' you discover between you is composed of all these parts, mutual respect and admiration, passion for a shared path, desire to pursue it together etc.

The relationship may last for some indeterminate time - years - until finally your love has mastered the skills as far as you can take them. You are blissfully happy - for each other. Happy in the choices you've made. There will always be a bond between you because of what you've shared together.

But he/she now craves additional challenges. Having gained mastery of one thing they discover another. Say.......climbing.

But you're not a climber. And what's more, really have no interest.
Poly says "go climb - and come back and share your excitement with me !"
Mono say - "sorry - I don't climb - no climbing allowed unless you leave me so I can find another gymnast".

Which mode of living makes more sense to YOU ???