I'm feeling kinda sad lately. I think it partially due to many things, but included in that is my up coming date with Leo. Its still a roller coaster of emotions around choicing to be keep control of how much depth I create with him so as to not be indulgent in my need to show physical attention toward him, around his request to only meet once a month and mine of needing more, around his swinging in terms of his expression of caring and love for others that I am not part of; even if its sport for him and not love. *breath* This list of confusion and sadness continues.
He is good, Mono is good, Leo's wife is good as she doesn't have to deal with his physically loving and other, everyone is good with this situation but me. If I were to approach changing it to be better for me it would mean discomfort for everyone else. Again with the giving giving giving and not feeling I receive in return except that it all makes everyone else happy. *sigh*
Its okay, its a monthly thing. At least I don't have to deal with this on an on going basis as he only wants to see me once a month.
I got a lovely letter from Derby this week which made me smile. I don't think I have ever received a hand written, "you're awesome" letter before. Plenty of hate mail and even one that resulted in the person taking me to court. I soaked in what she wrote. There were bits and pieces in there about not enough time etc. But I don't let any of that take hold. I am not missing out. I think she is more than me. Perhaps another partner who is more available? There was other stuff too, but the big thing were the words of affirmation that I need so much. I thrive on that and don't often get it. I feel loved that way. Its definitely my love language.
Words of affirmation... Hmmmm... I hadn't really realized how important it is to me to be acknowedge for what I do and for who I am. Its really big for me and how does one ask for that? Why do I feel that others have a scarcity view o this with me? Why do I not receive words of affirmation and gratitude and appreciation for who I am more often? What can I do create abundance in this area of my life? I think I will think on that some.
I know it causes distress for me when I am ignored and am not incluided. Is that related some how? I have developed some great skills in dealing with that in terms of pulling back and going in a different direction compared to in the past where I would whine and complain about it. I wonder if words of affirmation are part of that? Just questioning my "self."
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