Originally Posted by tsl1966
That particular rule does make perfect sense if you seriously want to follow the Primary/Secondary role definitions. Doing something outside of your primary committed relationship implies that your primary isn't really your primary. It reduces everyone to a secondary role and very few (if any) relationships can survive that.
I see that for YOU this rule makes sense... for a lot of people, doing something else with your secondary you don't do with your primary doesn't at all erode the primary relationship. In fact, many times that is WHY people have multiple people in their lives, because they want x and z as well in their lives and their primary isn't into x or z.
My hubs has things he does with his secondary(ies), that are something he likes and they like, but I'm just not all that into. I'm happy he gets to experience that, and I don't need to do something that doesn't do that much for me (not that I wouldn't but it isn't the same when somebody is doing it just to please as if they're doing it because it pleases THEM).
We do often bring new stuff that we learned or found back to our relationship, which has definitely helped us grow a bit and discover new things we wouldn't have otherwise. So in that way, doing something with another partner has opened our universe to things we now enjoy together.
This is not to say that rule doesn't work for you... just to say that there are many ways of looking at it.
I would be more worried, personally, about the fact that you're bringing up something that is bothering you (communicating an issue), and she's not listening openly and taking it into consideration. Whether or not she agrees with you, or sees it the same way, one of the points that in my mind is completely vital within non-monogamous relationships is the capacity to hear your partner, listen to what they say and take it in-- whether or not you agree with it. Sometimes, just listening, and validating the feelings and reassuring your partner is all that's needed.
It could be the situation as others have stated, or maybe there's some NRE (new relationship energy) that's clouding her judgment. You can search NRE on this site or others to see some issues that can come up during that time that can cloud people's judgment (you may have already done that, I realize). Regardless of how *she* is seeing the situation, though... you are her partner and she needs to consider your thoughts and feelings and communicate with you about them. If she's just dismissing them without consideration that's an issue by itself.