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Old 07-22-2011, 01:05 PM
tsl1966 tsl1966 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6
Default New to Polyamory and recently hit a huge stumbling block

My wife and I opened up our marriage this past January after kicking the idea around for almost a year. (No, we didn't just jump blindly into it.) Before we agreed to embark upon this venture, we discussed and agreed to a set of rules designed to protect our marriage. The rules are as follows:

1) Family always comes first.
2) We will always be up front, open and honest with one another.
3) We always come back to each other at the end of the night.
4) Whatever we do with our secondaries, we will always be at least that attentive to each afterward.
5) We do not do anything with our secondaries that we have not first done with each other.
6) Either one of us can say "Stop" for any reason and we go back to being an exclusive couple.

We've hit a couple of stumbling blocks over the last six months and we've learned from them, adapted accordingly and moved on. But this latest stumbling block is a big one as it involves ignoring one of our rules.

First let me say that these rules are not rigid. I have consented to my wife spending the night or even entire weekends with her boyfriend. Essentially, I allowed a suspension of Rule #3. I have no problem with this because it is something we discussed beforehand.

But lately, my wife has been ignoring Rule #4 without talking to me about it first.

Earlier this year, anytime she went out and played with one of her secondaries, she always came back and showed me the same level of attentiveness. But in the last two weeks, that has changed.

Two weeks ago, I consented to letting her boyfriend spend the night in our own house. It was three days before she even let me touch her. I spoke to her about it and let her know how I had been feeling during those three days and she said she understood.

This past weekend, I again consented to allowing her boyfriend to spend the night here. Again, she did not want anything to do with me afterward and still hasn't.

When I explained that this was causing a problem for me, it started an argument.

I tried explaining that I was feeling rejected and that I was starting feel as if her boyfriend held a greater importance in her life than I did. She didn't see it that way.

I haven't revisited the issue with her yet because she is going in for a medical procedure and is very keyed up about that. After her recovery I do plan on bring the subject back up and discussing it fully and at length.

Basically, we agreed upon Rule #4 precisely so that neither one of us would begin to feel less important than a secondary. But as things stand right now, it seems as if my wife wants to unilaterally toss that rule out.

(I think she even had an idea of tossing out Rule #2 as well, but that is another point I have to revisit with her.)

So, I will be having this discussion with her after she recovers from her procedure. Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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