It's so interesting to me that if no matter how many people are in a relationship, it's likely they will different ideas about non-monogamy, of poly, of what sex is, of the connections, if any, between sex and love. The OP holds different ideas on the role of sex and love and connection than her partners. Carma has quite different orientation on sex and love than her husband. Annabelle has had lovely sexual friendships that added to her life. My wife and I have different conceptions too - she is unwilling to have sex without love anymore while I'm exploring FWB relationships.
Perhaps acknowledging that everyone starts from very different places in discussing these issues is a helpful beginning.