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Old 10-20-2009, 07:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
1.Your husband was saying you can have it this way (with me) or that way (without me)? Or just stating the possibilities?
Stating the possibilities... we were just talking about what we have noticed in the community is all.

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
2.Would you say that you current poly-fi relationship has been defined as it has (with the "-fi") absolutely mutually or largely according to the needs of your 4 men(or one of them)?
I'm not sure I understand the question, but if you are asking if we mutually decided or if I act out of others needs then I would have to say a bit of both. I needed containing when Mono came along, I had several things on the go and was battling some stuff that had happened in the last year that I needed to look at.

I think it was good to go out into the world, but, believe it or not I am very sensitive and have a really hard time with being rejected or used (mother issues, surprise surprise!).... for example I friended someone on FB from here who dropped me as a friend and I still am hurt about it and think about it was over two months ago. I knew her from only a few days worth of posts and a couple of emails and yet I am mortally wounded by this.

Needless to say I needed containing and when Mono asked for this boundary I was ready to give it. I dropped one of the men as he and my husband pointed out that he was damaging to me... one of those danger people that we all have. It turned out he was right and I am now deeply wounded by how that ended too. The three men I have in my life are committed to me for the long haul and very protective. I feel contained and loved.

My husband was glad I chose this path as he was exhausted trying to keep up with my activities and his emotions. I also think about my son in this and the stability of our family as a whole... my cruising days with men were over. So it all works for me.

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
3.What made you start pondering on this?
I have thought about it all along, just didn't know how to articulate it. I'm still not sure I have fully... it's scary for Mono and for me, but we work at it slowly. I think the fear for Mono is that I will want to go and search for other men to sleep with and love like I do him. My fear is that I will hurt him in some way without even knowing just by being me.

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
4. What do you mean when you say "freedom in commitment"?
You were saying on the ORE thread that there is a sense of freedom in being committed to someone in a marriage. I agree whole heartedly! I feel free in some ways in the relationships I have now. I feel as if I am loved enough to start taking care of myself and my needs. I can rest on the love in in my life and let it support me.... my problem is not letting it make me feel as if it is conditional love... as it is with my mother and how I was raised. I want to feel as if I can be completely myself and be lovable in that. I think it will just take time and working on it with all of us.

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
I have this one relationship that is in this place, and I want to have more.
Wow, what a great insight into who you are... thanks for sharing that! I'm so glad that you are at the place you are at right now. So healthy and so full of hope for the future! Good for you!

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
From what you write, RP, it seems you have some good people on your side too, who will listen to you thoughts and feelings if a time came that the dynamic could shift. Being committed is being committed to someone's happiness, not to their self-sacrifice.
Do you mean that I should not self-sacrifice? No one should really. I am committed to happiness on all sides I think, and I believe we are all happy right now. Who knows what the future will bring... I predict that Mono and I will have plenty of chances to push each other and plenty of chances to grow from that. We both have healing to do in our lives and baggage to deal with and I really think that in dealing with some of that we will be more free in our relationship in the form of committing more to our happiness. It's hard to explain on here without going into details that only we know. Actually I thought of something from writing that just now that makes me understand "us" a bit better. I will have to talk to him again... it goes around and around!

What I originally wrote:

"I may find it a challenge to be committed to not having more men in my life. What do I do then?"

I think I will have avoided the real issues if I were to break this commitment. I really have a lot of work to do on myself still. I only just recently could be alone by myself thanks to Mono's help on my stuff... we really do support each other as I know I help him too. I am only just realizing that in being able to be alone I have opened a flood gate to other issues I have... ahhhhh!!! so much to do to get to a place of balance. I'm so fortunate to have such great supporters in that journey!

More of what I originally wrote:

"Either I could have total freedom (experience anyone I want) or total commitment (with a select few in a family manner). While I agree largely, I wonder if people can balance this? How can a balance be achieved under such circumstances? I just wonder if there is a possibility to continue to be comfortable with the freedom I have in my commitments for the long haul?"

I think there is not so much a balance but a continuum that one falls on... complete freedom on one side and total commitment monogamy style on the other. I fall somewhere in the middle to committed end of it and recently realized that if I were to add anyone else it would take away from the others... to me commitment is about spending time... so in fact I would be less committed to my men and my family. I think rather than adding more people I need to start thinking of adding MYSELF on that continuum... something I have not done in a long time! I need to seek a relationship with myself before even THINKING it's possible to add another love in my life! My job now is to not feel as if I am take away the time I spend with my loves because I am pursuing a deeper relationship with myself. If I figure that out that is where my freedom will lie I think...

Oh I hope I am making sense!!!
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