Well, RP, you sure do know the shortcut to my heart-ask my advice, or better yet, ask me to write
about something I care about.
First I have a couple of ?'s about your OP-
Originally Posted by redpepper
He said that I can have it one way or another, and that Poly tends to be one way or the other....
Either I could have total freedom (experience anyone I want)
total commitment (with a select few in a family manner).
While I agree largely, I wonder if people can balance this? How can a balance be achieved under such circumstances? I just wonder if there is a possibility to continue to be comfortable with the freedom I have in my commitments for the long haul?
1.Your husband was saying you can have it this way (with me) or that way (without me)? Or just stating the possibilities?
2.Would you say that you current poly-fi relationship has been defined as it has (with the "-fi") absolutely mutually or largely according to the needs of your 4 men(or one of them)?
3.What made you start pondering on this?
4. What do you mean when you say "freedom in commitment"?
What I meant on the ORE thread was mainly about being trusted. I have never been trusted before, or never could be, anyway. I fought dirty on and off the playground by hiding my true motives and thoughts behind "independence" or "toughness" or even "strength".
I am a huge journal writer. I used it for a long time to collect all the things I nerve had the guts to say to anyone, least of all those closest to me. Despite this I am a pretty cool chick and do emote quite a bit so people have always felt they could trust me, but I have only just begun now to reciprocate and trust others.
This leaves me in a vulnerable place that I have always avoided because if you are depending on someone, and they are depending on you, it gives you the perfect opportunity to fuck it up and show your most personal weaknesses.
I admit I've gotten though the hardest times in my life repeating "I can survive anything" over and over in my head.
A long preamble to say- I am getting a taste of what 5 years of relentlessly probing (yes, probing!) another person can accomplish, and thankfully, instead of a divorce, for me, it's trust.
So, for me, my freedom is the understanding coming about between D and I that we trust each other so much that I haven't written anxiety-ridden, rage-filled, sexually frustrated journal entries about how I could never tell him A or B, or he'd do C-- in about 4 months. Not a long time, but it's been building and I love it. I trust that we will be loving when we speak our minds, and if we aren't or we don't we'll try again directly.
That frees me. I am above the suspicion that I always felt I've lived under,because I'm a woman, because I'm whatever, insert label here.
I have this one relationship that is in this place, and I want to have more.
From what you write, RP, it seems you have some good people on your side too, who will listen to you thoughts and feelings if a time came that the dynamic could shift. Being committed is being committed to someone's happiness, not to their self-sacrifice. That is one of the things that always tuned me off about The Marriage Concept
- that things that could be labeled "self-sacrifice" were somehow an ideal, and you were supposed to laugh about it over drinks once a year. I digress. (it is 2 in the morning)
I must say you are voracious for life like I am and I'm interested to know your answers.
Must go to bed now.