I feel the snare around my heart again. Last year the snare griped me for months. Instead of helping to build our house I dug my feet in. I hid from responsibility and blew a chance to get out of these R.V.'s. It is coming up again. The chance to build before the cold sets in. This time I can feel it. It comes and goes in waves. Lover has yet to see this darker side of me. The depression. I know apart of it is Jewell and I are both hiding from dealing with our marriage head on. I think part of my refusing to help build last year was the refusal to commit to her. Yea, we have been together 8 years this Sep. Do I want to feel like I am stuck here. I know that is stupid because I can leave freely when ever I want. I didn't see this last year. Now the panic attacks, and depression are starting again. I have ups and downs all year. I have got to control it. How? I do not know. I have tried medication, still on some. Maybe if I cut out sugar and caffeine. Maybe if I take time to exercise every morning. Most importantly I need to see a therapist. Some of my childhood issues are resurfacing as well. I am the center of the family. My falling apart last year almost distroyed our family. I will not let it happen again.
I will build this house. I will work hard every damn day from the moment I can, tell the first snow storm. I will play with my diet a little. I will exercise. I will journal. I will try o find someone I can talk to in this small back-assward town. Jewell will sell off half the goat herd. Then we will sit eye to eye all winter and ask the big questions.
What is our marriage? Can we survive without sex? I will not give anymore. I have gave all, and am tiered of getting back half assed. If she cannot or does not want to be intimate is it okay with us? Her, and I and us as one. Do I want to have to leave home every time I want sex? Its something that is on my list like grocery shopping. Its kind of annoying. I don't mean bring Lover home. I like going over to Lovers house. Jewell is changing and I find her beautiful. Can I handle having more of a sister, a best friend? What kind of messages are we sending our children? Seriously we love each other. I think we are still in love with each other? I am madly in love with her. Is it because she has helped me create these beautiful beings, and this land we are homesteading. We touch and cuddle, but there is no intimacy AT ALL. It is as clean as a sister to sister relationship. I am 26, and not around anyone in my age group or mind frame of kid raising. I love most of it. I feel blessed. But there are things, and I want to know that I am not just in my comfy zone to be comfy. Why is life so fucking hard?? Another question is if Lover backs out can I actively look for another bf?
I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
Last edited by evrchanging; 07-21-2011 at 02:54 AM.