Originally Posted by aussielover
I can not fathom a triad being equal right off the bat (unless three uninvolved people came together at roughly the same time). I never expected that coming into this relationship. The primary relationship (as much as I hate these terms) is the primary relationship. Period. Perhaps as the relationship grows and evolves over several years things may become more balanced and end up more equal (we were actually having this discussion yesterday amungst the three of us ), but I really don't think it's realistic to expect that from any persons perspective in the triad at the start.
The third is the third. I joined the relationship last. That's just how it is. Like it or not, it's reality. There were also things I knew I would be excluded from (ie the work holiday they went on last weekend). And that's ok, because I KNEW that it would be that way. I may not like it all the time, but that's how it is. I don't expect this to change just because I'm here. The primary relationship has to be strong and healthy for any triad to work (or any V for that matter). My relationship with either of them could be wonderful, but if they're are issues between them, things wont be right. There will be tension and things will start to fray and fall apart if they're not addressed.
I have to agree with this 100%. In our triad there are things that DO pertain to only the two of us who are married (DaJoshy and I). There are things that he talks to me about that he doesnt bring up to SluttyUnicorn not because it isnt her business or anything like that, but because she isnt his "confidant" like I as his wife of 15 years is. If she is around when he comes home from work, he will talk about work, but it is very rare that she really comments on much of anything about his work. A big part of this is because she doesnt really know what exactly he is talking about much of the time as she doesnt really know the people (she has met some of his closer work friends, but that was in limited social situations) and I know that even in that situation she felt a little "left out" because while hubby, his friends from work and I stood there and talked about his work (I also worked at the company for a short time, so I know the terminology, I know what he is talking about when he is talking about things) and she was silent the entire time because there was nothing she could interject. It happens.
I told SU when this issue of "equality" came up that Joshy and I have been married for 15 years, this relationship can last 15 years and we still will have been together 30 and she only 15. It is like the LittleGirl saying that she wants to be the same age as her mommy. She can ask for that till she is blue in the face, and I can want her to be as old as her mommy all I want also, but well shit in one hand and want in the other....
I think that it is important not to nessecarily "reassert the primary relationship is primary" but to have it clear that there will be things that are about the primary relationship and not about the secondary.
The situation came up about 2 months ago that Joshy wanted to go north to visit his family alone. While I have been to the same state as his family is in to visit my family alone, I always go because of presure from my family (we bought you a ticket for this date, if you dont come we will be out the money...." thing so I feel guilty and I go and have a miserable time wishing Joshy was with me and doing every single thing I am doing.
Joshy wanted to fly north and rent a car to visit his family. I told him I wanted to go with him. He said he didnt want me to come. I explained that if I came we could use one of my moms cars and hve a vehicle withut having to rent a car (which would have actually cost him 2 times the price to just get me a ticket) and a argument that went on for over a week ensued. It was a daily fight between the two of us. SU was left to sit there and listen to us fight because either way she wasnt going. It didnt pertain to her, and she would be staying behind either with me or without me. Joshy isnt going (he said we couldnt afford for him to go, but I suspect that rather then argue anymore about it he just backed down and decided not to go, which in itself also bothers me because if that is the case then the real issue of why he wanted to travel alone hasnt been resolved) but I have also let it go because well, he isnt going.
I made the mistake once of saying that if I was angry with DaJosh then he wasnt allowed to have sex with SU. This was a rule I made up because I thought that it would create a dynamic in which I am the "nagging wife who cut him off" and she is the "young new girlfriend who he goes to and doesnt bother him about things like I do because she isnt his wife" and that he would begin to choose her over me because well she never said anything negative to or about DaJoshy because as she herself admitted "I am not about to rock the boat and get him mad at me".
This did bother me for a while because I felt as if she essentially blew smoke up his butt all day long that he would decide that I didnt appreciate him or that I was "mean" compared to her, but when ti comes down to it, I have much more right to say what he does or doesnt do. Equality is a nice dream but it is a rarity.
Even in raising LittleGirl, she is SU daughter. I have come up with a number of different ideas for things pertaining to her, and I have always run ever single one of them by her. As far as that relationship goes, the primary relationship ther eis between LittleGirl and her mother. We are secondary to that relationship and need to respect that as much as she does out primary marriage relationship.