Relieved therapist can still work out!! :)
I had a very hard morning this morning after a number of days of anxiety about possibly having to end my relationship with my therapist (SuperShrink) (I want to make it clear I use relationship in the clinical sense here, I am not "in a relationship" with my shrink LOL) after 10 years of seeing him. I have always been open about hubby and my having a poly relationship (although honestly till last week we didn't know what to call it other then we were kinda pervs who weren't perverted but others thought we were) and after reading many articles and other resources that said "most of the time, a mono therapist and a poly client doesn't work out because of bias against polyamory" and I started to think that maybe SS was the reason why I have had the issues with my husband and other relationships.
My husband used to go with me to see SS. He decided that he didn't like him and that he is a crappy therapist. SS says "I am OK with him not liking me and feeling that way. I like him, and I know it is his fear that keeps him from wanting to work on his "issues" so I am not offended" my husband feels like he doesn't have any issues, he knows what he wants, he is who he is, and I am trying to change him by making him go to therapy. I have since come to realize that I dont need him to change to get what I need, I just need to find someone who can give me what he isn't able to. Just like I am unable to give him what he needs sexually (I just don't want see that often, I am kinda a sexual camel in that I can go long periods without wanting or needing it.)
Having reproductive cancer hasn't helped these issues as it has changed sex physically for me (at least for now, as I am only 18 months in remission which can take up to 5 years to fully completely recover from ) so he needs sex more often then I am able/ willing to give him sex. I love my GF SluttyUnicorn and she and I have a relationship that is sexual in nature but that is the least important aspect of our relationship. Hubby isn't the "lets talk about this relationship" person that I need. I love talking about feelings and love to analyze things to death. I have chosen the career path of Psychologist because this passion is deep within me. I think hubby thinks psychology is a bunch of bullshit as he hasn't told me that but he is very closed off to really discussing it. He doesn't see how talking about and going over things that happened years ago could possibly do anything but cause that trauma to be reopened, and to cause more pain, he doesn't see that it is through looking at those things that they loose their power and become non issues.
I sometimes wonder how two people who feel sooooo diametrically opposed about such a big issue in one of the peoples lives could possibly love each other so much.
My husband wanted (and maybe still does and is afraid to put it to me flat out) me to stop seeing SS. Our GF told him it wasn't fair to me to end the relationship with SS nor would it be healthy to just "quit seeing him" after 10 years of seeing him. That it would be just as fair as anyone asking me to end my relationship with him. He knew this was the case but I think that having her to back up that thought helped him to be ok with it. I also don't know if DaJoshy would agree with this as he doesn't talk much about things like this so I am left filling in the blanks as to what he is thinking and feeling. When my mind is left to fill in what his thoughts are, I have found they are never positive things.
I had never had a conversation with SS about how he felt about polyamory (I didn't even know that's what it was) and I asked him if he thought that polyamory could work out and he said that he didn't think monogamy worked in most situations. I told him that I needed a therapist who would be supportive of such a life choice.
He said that it wasn't his job to approve or disapprove of anything I choose to do in my life. That his job was to help me to live my life to the best of its possibility and that whatever makes me happy is only helping him in his quest because when I am happy I am not symptomatic. That I am doing AWESOME for someone who is Bipolar and 10 years ago was on 11 different psych meds and having 4-6 psych hospitalizations a year, to now be without taking any psychiatric meds, be a student, not have had a hospitalization in over 6 years, been through 2 bouts of Cancer and the head of a Non Profit that helps Cancer patients every day is the most amazing thing he has ever seen.
He also said that if there was anyone who he thought could make a poly relationship work it was me because I had the insight and self awareness to be able to handle things calmly (even if I dont always, still working on harnessing anger) and with a clear mind. This truly gave me faith that I have all the most important people in my life behind me and on board with what I want and need for my life. I am truly the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.