Originally Posted by RobertCourage
So I am supposed to be happy he loves her because it increases the love in this world? I love her so much that I can let her love someone else? That's how it works? How about people making a commitment and sacrifice so that what you have has value and meaning. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Every story has at least two sides. Please try and see the other side.
to the first question; yup. To the second; yup.
How it works is that you give up on thinking of this the way you do... this is not monogamy and the rule book you were taught has been tossed out the window. The values and virtues are somewhat the same but created in such a way that they put the "self" first and others after. Not in a negative sense, as EVERYTHING is geared towards belonging, mutual respect, integrity, empathy/compassion for others and a whole lot more. There is no room, in my belief and from what I have noticed, for co-dependency; merging and folding into ones partners life so that each is completely reliant and dependent on the other. There is only room for autonomy.
Do a tag search and read the "foundations" or "lessons" threads and see what others think of how to make this work with a strong foundation. It does work and people are happy in it. There is lots to learn though.
The sacrifice you speak of comes when that little voice at the bottom of your heart still says that it is committed and still says it loves her. If you have this then you will walk through all this shit to the other side. There is another side. If it fades then you will still walk through it and end up without her, but alive still. You will live through this and you will likely be a better man for it if you choose to be instead of bitter and resentful. That is your choice, but you will carry on regardless.
The meaning and value to all this is that she is unhappy and because you love her you want to help her to become happy again. That is huge meaning and value. The balance is in making sure that you
don't sacrifice everything in order for her to do so... that you
don't allow her to make you unhealthy by not being firm in your own boundaries.
Monogamy rarely TOUCHES the amount of work that you are embarking on doing, but if you love her and are committed then you will do it. If she loves and is committed to you, then she will too. Right now that is what I would be working on finding out. The house, that is your relationship, is crumbled to the ground right now and I really think you need to find out if there is a reason to start building a new foundation. The old one is rotten and not functioning.
I asked if we could hear her side because I realize there are two.... I have not heard any indication as to whether or not we will be hearing it. I know there are two sides to every story. I have been here a long time.... you are not the first to go through this. Please realize that I also have been through this and this is why I am here.... to pass on what I know.
I completely understand that your world is turned up side down and that you are in pain... I have seen that in my own husbands eyes and HE DID GET THROUGH IT! You can too if you choose it.