Thread: Me again...
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:44 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Default Me again...

A month ago I had a boyfriend who said he wanted to marry me and have kids with me someday. Now everything is upside down and I'm really scared.

I posted here a while back saying that I thought I was poly and that I was really scared about it.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11565

Eventually, in part thanks to the advice I got, I worked up the courage to talk to my boyfriend, J, about it. He wasn't exactly thrilled, but wasn't surprised either and was initially very supportive. He was fairly certain he wasn't poly and didn't feel any need for anyone else, and wasn't exactly excited about the idea of sharing me, but mostly was worried about me being happy and thought this was something that might help me. Part of what set off the whole thing, although it had been building for months previously, was meeting a guy, C, and really liking him. He was poly and had been in a seven year really close relationship with his girlfriend. Him telling me their story 1, gave me a word for something that had been eating at me for the last several months, and 2, gave me hope that the whole poly thing might not be the end of the world for me if I turned out to be.

Since talking to J initially, we've talked about it a lot, I actually wound up having a conversation with C's SO, who he said was way better at explaining things, done a lot more reading, and am not pretty sure that I am poly. I had not told C that I liked him, although I did tell J, who kept on pushing me to tell C, as did another mutual friend. Tomorrow I'm leaving the country for a month so I figured it was as good a time as any, if things went badly I'd have a bit of an out, so I finally worked up the courage to tell C that I liked him. The feeling turned out to be mutual. The initial conversation was pretty short but we wound up talking a lot later over chat, about it vaguely, not really making any plans or anything, aside from talking about how it was a relief to have it out in the open, and that we were both really committed to our SO's and that those relationships came first etc. etc.

Tonight I told J, because the whole communication thing seems important and all, and he had seemed at least cautiously in favor of the whole thing. As the night went on it became clearer and clearer that he wasn't as okay as he thought he'd been. I eventually wound up breaking down, and telling him how terrified I was, because more then anything I am afraid of losing him. I told him that I would back off things, try to limit things, that I wanted to set boundaries to make sure he was okay. Part of the reason that I am cautiously okay with something happening with C is because he also has someone who is first in his life. But J just said that wasn't fair and that he couldn't ask me to do that, and that it would prevent me from being happy, and no matter how much I tried to tell him that he was a huge part of my happy, that he wouldn't be making me give anything up that I'd be making a choice to compromise, or step back, he just kept saying that he couldn't do that to me.

He doesn't plan on leaving, he says he wanted to try to work things out, try to give things at least a year, but I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him and I don't know what to do.

So here I am, gone in a month from having a guy who wanted to marry me someday to a rocky unsteady relationship and it's not even something someone else did to me, its something that I did myself, or at least that happened to me.

It doesn't help that J is trying to get used to school and a new country and a lot of other stress. I've felt so much better since telling him, and every step has made me feel better about myself, my life and my relationship with him, but I would give it all up for him to be happy again.

Help...
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