Helping primary feel "primary"
My partner (of 10 years) has a wife (17 years). It has always been a primary/secondary thing. I'm 100% fine with being the secondary. I like it. It works for me. And it is super important to her to be "primary" - that is non-negotiable.
The problem is that even though she is the "primary" partner, she says she doesn't feel like she's being treated as "primary" and we've had a hard time finding workable solutions to the problem.
While I am very clearly treated as a secondary in all household stuff, and (though less clearly) also in relationship stuff, I am his business partner/assistant. His work involves a lot of travel and long hours, but it is his calling, and he helps a lot of people in his work. In many ways, his work is his real "primary", and I think his wife projects alot of her resentment about that onto me. He does spend a lot more hours with me, and very frequently travels with me, but that is work. (She's tried to help with his work. She quickly gets bored and wants him to pay attention to her, and she's been rude in front of clients.)
When asked what she'd like her husband to do differently, she tends to fixate on impossible or wildly impractical things, so my partner and I have been trying to think of things that he actually CAN do that might help her "feel primary" without putting his career in danger.