Hi Confused! Sorry to hear about everything you're going through. There are some great essays about managing jealousy on this site - http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
Frankly I would put my foot down in this situation. Your wife's feelings are real, but she is responsible for controlling them. It's like if you had decided as a couple that you wanted to save money for your goals, but while you were diligently cutting down on spending, she was making impulse buys all the time. Just a really unfair double standard that is going to screw up the whole situation for both of you, since your resentment will likely only build if things don't change, and then you'll end up doing something harsh, like telling her that if she won't let you keep your gfs, she has to leave her bf.
I would set some expectations and timelines with her. Like, she has a month during which she needs to do some reading, actively work on her issues, and come up with a contract of standards that you both agree are fair, like no interrupting dates unless there's an actual emergency. If she won't do any of that... maybe couples therapy. Or hell, maybe you really will need to make an ultimatum that she has to stop seeing her bf and work on her relationship with you if she can't get this under control... go back to being closed again, basically. I really really hope it doesn't come to that though, as that would be so sad for her bf if they really are emotionally engaged with each other.