I have to say that I know exactly how you feel but I am female. I am not good at flirting, I am shy about asking a girl anything let alone to come home with me and hubby. Hubby has the same thought process about how hard it is to say "No really, my wife is ok with it and would love to meet you" yet he has been the one who has always gotten the girl. (Except the girl I found while inpatient in a psych hospital, I had a very bad time for a while with my PTSD issues, and was admitted because of depression that "others were concerned about" I felt I didn't belong there, I met a woman who I was attracted to but had never been with a girl. I seduced her and we both got into trouble a number of times for "being alone in inappropriate ways in inappropriate places like alcoves. I had even gotten male patients to stand guard in exchange for watching me and her make out up against the soda machine. Hubby met her when he came for visiting hours, he liked her but was apprehensive about the whole "She is a psych patient you know" but I convinced him that he loves me even though I am pretty freaking nuts (the last 10 years of therapy has helped me to see that this was more about being in a very low place and grabbing the first hot thing I could find to hold to my head and burn myself with) so he agreed to see her after we both were discharged. She was married, to a man who was abusive in many ways, going so far as to take advantage of the fact that she had seizures by having sex with her while she was "out of it" after. She came and stayed with us when she left her husband, after a week she went back to him, he threatened to take her kid away from her, so she went back to him. About 3 weeks after she left, a police officer shows up at our house to "ask my husband some questions". This woman went to the police, told them that my husband kidnapped and raped her, wouldn't let her leave our house, that she was forced to have sex with not only both me and my husband but also over 12 other men we brought home (NEVER has my hubby ever wanted to or even thought of having another man involved with anything, so that was a shock LOL). Luckily the officer thought that her story sounded kinda hokey, and when we handed him a box of birthday cards, love letters, and also letters telling my husband I how much her husband had done to abuse her and the things he was doing to her, the police officer looked at hubby and said "Maybe if you are gonna sleep with women other then your wife you should make sure they aren't absolutely batshit crazy" which to this day hubby and I use the phrase "batshit crazy" to judge the level of craziness that a woman has.
That was probably the scariest experience I have ever had as a poly, I mean the idea that if we hadn't had the love letters and other proof that it was consensual (right down to her writing in a card that my husband was the best sex she ever had and that she was the happiest when she was having sex with him) that my husband could have been put in prison for another woman and her husbands word of the way things transpired. I had never before considered that to be a risk of this lifestyle and I dont know how many really do think of that as a potential pitfall. Of course there is a chance that can happen in any relationship, mono people do it all the time, get pissed because the sex and relationship is over and decide that they are going to do whatever they can to make the other person pay, even if it means completely ruining their life. Hubby and I have considered (not seriously but jokingly) getting a form letter written up stating "I am choosing of my own free will to have sex with these people, they have not kidnapped, coerced or otherwise tried to kill me" (she said we didn't let her have anything to eat or drink the entire time she was here, I know we are so mean, I mean we both went out of the house daily, left her with her own vehicle here to "run away" if she wanted to, which when the police asked about this she said she had "stockholm syndrome" helped her open her own bank account, but we didn't feed her the entire time.) I would have thought an intelligent captive would have said to the bank person setting up the account "Hey these people are holding me hostage and have given me the $100 I am opening this account with, so please dont let them take me away and call the police for me" I dont know if you can tell I am still a bit bitter about that relationship.
I guess I am saying this to let you know that you can find what you want, but there will be bumps along the way. If you want to have a triad with your wife, then you need to be around when she meets the other person. It isn't that she isn't thinking of you, it is just that her eyes and mind is on other things at that moment and not thinking "He might be curled up in the fetal position wishing I wasn't in a hot tub", go to the hot tub with her!! If you dont talk she will be able to fill in the spaces. It has been a hard road for hubby and I, but now that we have SluttyUnicorn, we are so happy it has been worth it. Hang in there and watch out for the "batshit crazy" women out there!! Most importantly I have found that the more I keep the "have fun" mantra in my head, the more fun I end up having.
Last edited by ClariceK; 07-18-2011 at 02:52 PM.