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Old 07-17-2011, 08:50 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 606
Default Sleepless nights

Every day seems to bring a new aspect to our life. I really appreciate this special phase we are in right now. Even though there is still this 'certain uncertainty' because everything is so new and demanding in it's own way, we are moving closer together. All three of us in general, me and Sward in an old but refreshing style, which we developed over the years but didn't use over some time up to now. Like recovering an old, beloved object that got dusty in the attic because it stayed there out of sight for a while. Me and Lin finally get the chance to get to know special parts of the other that have been restricted up to now, which is exciting and enriching.

Yesterday we bought a new lounge for the living room with the next visit of Lin in mind. Something where all three of us could lie down together. Sward had been the one who found this couch and we went and bought it the same day before the shop closed. He is so supportive of the new situation, pondering how he could model this new family concept in the best possible way.

We talked about the more official stuff as well. What would happen, if Lin or I were to be hospitalized, would the other be able to have a say in a life or death matter, to be able to pull the plug if needed? Sward and I have already talked about our wishes for a situation where just the body remains and the mind is nowhere to be found anymore but what about Lin and I in this situation? He changed his last will in my favour years ago, but what about this stuff? (Something I had been trying hard to stomache for months after he told me. He was in really bad shape during that time and wanted to make sure that I was in the picture if the worst case would come true.)

Inspired by this conversation Sward had a really nasty dream this night where he had to decide to let me die. He tends to wake up early in the morning, around 4 or 5 am. He came back to bed at 7, clingy and intimidated because of the shock that this dream left behind. His behavior showed me again, that he would always act according to my wishes, even if it he would suffer because of it.

I know that there is a certain danger of him being left behind in the special situation we are in now and that is the reason why I try to make him speak his mind on every little aspect that comes to my mind. Normally, he tends to be the silent one, dealing with his thoughts all by himself, sacrificing his needs for me. There isn't much that he wouldn't do for me.

But as I see it, I can't model his life for him. I am obviously part of his life in an inseparable way, but I all that I offer are impulses, the outcome has to be decided together. Fortunately he never was the extremely codependent type. There has been a certain level of codependency in our marriage, but not the really unhealthy one. He never lost himself over me, he knows what makes him himself, what his strong points are and what he has to offer in our relationship that makes me swoon over him. I love his level of devotion and commitment, his need to feel connected and his caring nature.

The point that came up last were children. We talked about the next stage in our life for years now and finally felt ready for it. I have never been the 'motherly type' of woman. He has been the one who talked about children and big families since the day we met. He pushed his dreams away because of me, my schooling and studying, even apprenticeship in the early days of our relationship. Right from the start he wanted to be the one to take childcare leave and stay home to look after the kids.

It is still quite some time in the future from now until this will become real. But it is a pressing issue from my point of view, because he as well as Lin share this dream. If, and this IF is a big one, Lin's disease isn't hereditary, he is likely going to have the wish for children. Sward and I planned our first child in a year, maybe two, depending on our financial situation. This is likely to not change even with the changed relationship structure. Both men are really excited because of this, Lin was meant to be the godfather. He has always been with us during all the conversations and family planning, he wasn't my best friend for nothing during all these years

It seems so natural that all this just moves a level up, more commitment, more involvement, more caring and doting and more quality time. He just fits in somehow. Sward said that he wouldn't want the children to just call him Daddy. Lin would be 'Daddy' too. Because not the genes do make a father. I am so with him on this one. It would be awkward to have one child call Sward Daddy and the other Lin. It would complicate everything unnecessarily and it wouldn't do the situation justice as I could imagine it to be now. One never knows, I know, but as far as I am able to appraise the possible situation, the characters of Sward and Lin, these thoughts should hit the nail on the head.

I am really excited and full of expectations and hope for the future. There are no urgent problems to be handled but just thinking about all the possible developments just get's me wriggling with joy.
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