I relate a little to this post. I too have been very enmeshed with my husband, to the point where I made him my world to a certain point. I am also in the process of unmeshing (LOL, I don't think that's a word) us, and it's difficult for me to do that and still feel connected to him. I am building a life of my own, for myself, so that I'm living my life as an independent person WITH my husband instead of living this fully enmeshed live we have lived.
It hasn't been easy. Not so much the finding my own way part, but as I do that I feel less and less connected to him-- at least not connected as I have been. And yes, there has been a feeling of loss. I just thought a couple of days ago that the painful feeling of loss may just be a side effect of that ungrappling that's going on... that pulling myself out from him and back into myself, it's a definite change.. and yes, there is loss to that. Hopefully there is something to gain as well (I'm pretty sure there is) but I'm not there yet.
As far as autonomy goes, I have had the same feelings at times that my husband seems to just do whatever he wants regardless of how I feel about it and my opinions on the matter. I thought about that a lot recently, and it's something we will most definitely be discussing when he gets home. The fact is, no relationship of ANY type can survive if somebody does whatever they want without considering the others' feelings. A friendship can't survive if one person does what they want, and runs over the other person saying "this is what I want to do, if you don't, then fine but I'm doing it anyway". A child/parent relationship can't last that way... i really don't think ANY relationship can survive that. Somebody who makes their own decisions without regard to anybody else will end up all alone eventually because NOBODY wants to be in a relationship with somebody like that-- not even the people who do that to others. I guarantee if I just did what I wanted regardless of what my husband thought or felt we'd be done in a very short period of time because he would not like it, would not be able to handle it and our relationship would be killed. My guess is if you did the same thing to RBR, did what you wanted without regard to how she felt... she would not like it. Nobody wants to be involved with somebody like that.
We are all responsible to other people at some point in our lives, whether it's our employers, our partners, our children, our family or our friends.