As I see it, people must have autonomy in order for a marriage to work. Autonomy just means that each partner is given recognition and respect as an individual. We're all individuals, no matter how entangled with someone else we perceive ourselves to be. When I love someone I must recognize and respect their individuality, and independence. I want them to be happy and free. If I am seen by my partner or husband as my own person, and not an appendage, I appreciate his love and his autonomy, and we can be happy and free together, as two individuals in partnership. If he wants me to fit a picture he has of what a wife should be, I will suffocate (and that is part of what happened to end my marriage, though not all of it).
Autonomy does not equal irresponsibility.
Autonomy does not equal unaccountability for one's actions.
Autonomy does not equal self-serving selfishness without regard for one's partner.
Autonomy does not mean that love gets turned on and off according to whims -- love is something that is always there.
There is always hope. Mistakes may have been made, but perhaps the hurts you feel are not irreparable. Healing always starts with self-awareness. Don't give up.